A Dirty Word

FEAR.

Such a small world, but something that is INCREDIBLY POWERFUL.

This four-letter word is something that has held me bound for most of my life.  It lessened through my years in college, but so much of it is STILL there.  In and of myself, I DO NOT KNOW how to get rid of it.  I know I need to look to Jesus, rather than to the things that make me fearful, but I do not know how to do that without still having the fear in the back of my mind.  Whether it is a fear of the dark, a fear of demons, a fear of the unknown, a fear of making mistakes, or a fear of not being loved, I WANT TO BE SET FREE!!

I am sick of it too!!

In some areas, I am extremely brave, like when it comes to evangelism.  I can go door to door and preach the gospel unafraid, whereas many people find this extremely difficult. BUT there are so many areas where I am a total wuss.

The other night, I actually was able to turn the light off in my bedroom before Ashley came in to join me.  This may not sound like a big deal, but it kind of is.  (At home, I would always leave the light on before Tammy would come in to sleep because as soon as I would turn the light off, I would just feel like something was there, like some dark presence was there waiting to scare me.  Yes, I know I am 25, but it doesn’t seem to make this fear go away.) But anyways, that night I went to bed focusing on God and on amazing pictures of Him in the Bible, and I was able to deal with the darkness.  But then, the next day, two girls in my group shared how they had encountered a demon in their bedroom the night before.  They had been praying hard when suddenly they saw a set of green, glowing eyes looking back at them.  They knew it was a demon and just prayed harder and harder until it had faded away.  When I heard this story the next day, I suddenly felt the fear immediately return.  Carmen even asked me how I felt about it and if I was doing okay, and I had to admit I was feeling pretty scared.  They prayed over me, but even still, when I closed my eyes, all I could see was a figure in a long rug-like cloak with a serpent-like head, glowing eyes, and horns. 

I do not know where this fear originated, I really don’t, but what I do know is I NEED PRAYER!!  I feel trapped in a way that many others do not seem to understand.  I feel like a small child who fears there is a monster in the closet. (And yes, I was and sometimes am still afraid of the closet too!)

I would LOVE to go home and be able to sleep in my bedroom by myself with the lights off.  I would LOVE to not have to run helter-skelter through the house when it is dark.  I would LOVE to put my total focus on God and forget all the images and memories in my head from past dreams, movies, and stories.

I have tried to do things to make this fear lessen, such as staying away from scary movies.  Images stick with me, and if I can do anything to stay away from them, I need to try.  However, I cannot fully keep myself from the stories people tell or what is real.  I need to be set free from FEAR itself.  I want to be able to sit in a dark room and KNOW IN MY HEART, not just know in my mind, that God is far more powerful that any evil spirit.  God is my protection, so why should I be afraid even if there IS a demonic force in the room?  That demon CANNOT TOUCH ME!!! 

A teammate gave me this quote that another teammate gave her, “Fear is only faith in the Devil.”  Ouch.  It is so true though.  SATAN HAS NO HOLD ON ME!!  Focusing on the fact that he can terrify me is giving him too much credit, credit he does not deserve.  There is a spiritual battle, but as believers, we are on the winning side.

The past few nights, I have read from Psalm 91 before going to bed.  Part of it is on a poster in the room I am staying in, and it is very encouraging.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 
I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.” 
Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. 
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. 
You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilece that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destorys at midday. 
A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you. 
You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. 
If you made the Most High your dwelling- even the LORD, who is my refuge-
then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. 
For he will command his angels concerning you to guqrd you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
“Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. 
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him. 
With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.””