So, I had a revelation while riding my bike here that was spurred on by this book I finished today about the subculture of people who play Scrabble for a living! (Good intro, huh? I know you’re intrigued!) It was an eye-opener about how much potential human beings have with their minds and how little we actually accomplish with this gift of intellect. It got me thinking about my life and where I feel like I excel and what areas of life I spend most of my energies on.
I have been in this stage of half-living for the last two weeks, for which I take no pride and make no attempt to justify. I have been hiding out. This, for me, has involved watching hours of The Office (thanks to a teammate’s success in downloading all three seasons to her ipod), reading this Scrabble book that for some reason had held me captive for 400 pages, and occassionally watching movies. Now, I refuse to be legalistic and write these pastimes off as negative or detrimental. They, in themselves, of course are not bad. But I’ve been escaping from reality whenever I can, and I finally had to take a step back and ask myslf the hard question: Why?
I’ve decided that I have been plagued with analytical thinking of late and have missed the root of it all. Discontent and the temptation to point the finger at other people and situations have run rampant in my mind, but I can only play the victim for so long without blowing the whistle on myself. The bottom line is, I have this inner voice telling me to dig in deeper and go higher…there is more. And I have been attracted to this call and even step out of my cave long enough to get lost in the melody, but then my eyes open and I realize that i’ve been lured out of safety and quickly retreat. I don’t know why. It’s not what I want. I know I will die without the source of what is calling to me, but I keep surrendering to what is stealing my life away slowly…complacency.
I have big dreams…huge actually…about what I want my life to be for the Lord. The things I want to do, the places I want to see, the miracles I know that can happen all around the world. Yet I have been spending my free time in my cave of illusions and escapisms. It’s month 5, and I wonder if I have truly changed in the ways I thought I would have by this point in the trip. There are no more excuses….it doesn’t matter any more if my expectations fail to be met sometimes or I don’t particularly have a heart for the ministry we are doing in certain places. This trip was never meant to be a vacation in which i would be catered to and where I would call the shots. The opposite is true.
So, how do I fix this? I CAN’T. Period. I have failed at trying to make it better on my own, and my selfishness is choking out any possiblity of rising above the noise of the world around me to hear the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit, Who has never once stopped calling to me, in hopes that someday I will actually listen. It is an opportunity for me to stare into the face of my own shortcomings and choose to see my desperation instead of my failures. I don’t like this place where I am anymore, and only the Lord can lift me to the place I crave to be. And the thing is, I can’t even describe that place to you, because I’ve never been there. I just know it exists. It’s a place of contentment and at the same time, it is completely unknown and therefore dangerous and daunting….and the most exciting place there is.
It’s time to go all in. I have been holding the ace and concealing it up my sleeve for far too long. What am I really afraid of? I know the Lord and His character better than at any other time in my life…I know it isn’t really a gamble to put it all on the Lord. In fact, it’s the only sure bet there is. I guess I’m just afraid that everyone will be able to see my bluffs and the fact that sometimes I just won’t have the right cards. But I have to get over myself and realize that it is only when I fall that I truly appreciate the hand of the Lord that picks me up. I need Him, and I need Him most in this, my hour of desperation.
I don’t understand what it is I’m committing to….I just know I have to commit to something….something that demands my all and won’t settle for being pacified with my half attempts anymore. It’s this thought that causes me to relax under the weight of my self-condemnation and to finally grab a hold of the clarity and perspective that have been eluding me for the last two weeks, maybe even longer. I have been called to something greater than myself, and so the only way I can accomplish any of it is to surrender it all and let the Lord pick me up and take me there Himself. And here I thought this life was hard….it’s really just laying down and saying “Ok, You take it from here.” I think I am ready to do that now.
