You know those prayers you pray that are big prayers, and you may even mean them at the time when they are spoken, but you have in your head the way the Lord should go about answering them? Yup, that has been my experience with my latest prayer of “Lord, make me dependant on You. I don’t want to be able to function without You.” Hmm….why I thought that was going to be an easy one is beyond me, but I’m at least appreciating the process!
The desire behind it comes from seeing people in my life who are disciplined with spending time with God, especially those early morning risers that have my respect and the sound of my heavy breathing as they tiptoe out of the room in the a.m. Every time I have decided to join the ranks with these people, it has always felt like a chore, or a medal I am trying to receive for good behavior. Sometimes I think I will move to the front of the line for Jesus to notice me if I can check off my morning devotional. These are the reasons why my good intentions never bear much fruit…the problem has always lied with my motives.
After 4 months on the race, my identity is feeling more secure than ever in Christ and in His character. One day in Mozambique I said a short heartfelt prayer that has become my motto and declaration. “Lord, let me not be able to function without You.” I don’t like waking up and going about my day and feeling pretty successful at the end of it, yet knowing that something is missing. I have crossed the finish line, but the judges are still reviewing the footage. Something isn’t right. It’s the fact that I ran over the finish line alone that will disqualify me. Jesus is my running mate and I so often leave Him in the dust to get where we were supposed to go together.
With all that said, things are slowly but steadily changing. What made the change? The humbling truth that I am not a nice person without the Lord! It’s true, my human nature can be so alive and so hideous sometimes that I feel like my own Frankenstein! I am selfish, I am rude, I get critical of others, and I am definitely lacking in the love department. It’s just not pretty.
Lately I have been getting up early (although I confess that today I slept in, which I had to pay for in my actions) and going away with the Lord. Finally my motive is just to be with Him. The Bible talks about Jesus being the lover of my soul. My only thing to compare that to is being in love on earth. Now, if I were married, you better believe I would be making time for my husband and getting alone with him whenever possible! I would jump at the chance for quality time. So why drag my feet when it is with the Lord?
The amazing thing about grace is that it’s real…He has been meeting me every morning, with words of love and just His tangible presence. I don’t give Him my list of things that I need for the day or even my little prayer requests. I just sit with Him. The King of the universe meets me on the roof of a building in Bangkok every morning to hang out with and love me. Without me asking, He trades my stubborn flesh for His spirit and I walk away better than when I came. Always better after being with Him. I can tell the difference now of when I hang out with Him first thing and when I don’t. It’s a night and day difference. I don’t ever want to go back to trying to start my days without Him. I’m the one who suffers, along with all the people who have to put up with me that day! I am totally dependent on God to be a loving person, to be selfless, to be patient, and the list goes on and on. I know it’s so simple, but after complicating it for so long, this feels great!
