Ok, so I might be able to articulate a bit more on what God has been doing in my life over the past 2 weeks. I was talking to Lauren the other day and God gave me revelation as I spoke. It’s like He’s holding the rubics cube of my life in His hands, and ever so gently, He is turning pieces one by one. Each time I get excited and fearful all at once…excited that He is moving things around, but fearful that it might hurt. But He is only doing one piece at a time. I am waiting for the finished product, but know that it might take the whole year until all the colors line up.
Basically, He is stripping my identity. They said it would happen, but I shrugged it off and said it had already happened to me in the past, so I’m good to go. Wrong. I’m in a place now with a new group of people and totally new circumstances, and He’s not letting me in to my comfort zone. The funny thing is, my comfort zone isn’t in hiding or complacency…it’s in active ministry! It would be so much easier for me to be able to get up in front of a group and preach right now, but the opportunity isn’t here yet. We had training, but even there I felt like my giftings were not being utilized. God is speaking rest and an absorption over my life…a call to get completely filled before I pour out. I’m so quick to jump in and rely on my past experiences in ministry to catapault me to the front of the line. It’s uncomfortable for me to not lead, to not be
doing for Him. I’m itching all over my body to prove myself to Him, but He’s telling me I did that long ago when I signed my life away to do His will. And it’s funny too, because I am not known as the preacher or evangelist by anyone on my team. It’s a definite pride blow, and very uncomfrotable to see how deep my pride was attached to what I can do for the Lord. So, I am not known for who I think I am and have no way to show that to anyone. Talk about uncomfortable! But I never thought it would happen like this. I was ready the second we stepped off of the plane to go hard or go home…not to sit, be still, and wait to be filled! It’s true, He
makes me lie down in green pastures! No room for pride any more when who I thought I was is taken from me and my identity is only in the fact that I am owned by Him. He doesn’t want my resume, and neither does anyone else that God is sending me to. They need Him. I must die and be made less so He can shine through.
Ok, God, I am starting to see why you turned the rubics cube this time. Another side of me that has been my identity is lost so that I can find more of You hiding inside of me, ready and eager to come out. I open my hand that is holding every accomplishment, every gift You’ve given me, every idea of my worth that has come from what I do for You….take it and replace it with You…nothing more. Then will I be truly ready to pour out.
