I received a word this past Sunday that rocked me more than any word has in a long time. The pastor of the church we are working with here in Belfast delivered a word after praying for each of us. It was amazing; I was excited for each of the racers to be able to have someone who had no idea who they are speak into their lives with God’s heart. After Pastor Derek had prayed with each of the team he walked toward Jacob & I. I am never one to turn down prayer but he was running short on time & so I thought I would let him go to his appointment & maybe get some prayer later. Instead he sat down between Jacob and myself and began to pray for me.
He began by addressing my mother’s heart & care for others that is a descriptor of my heart. He called out to feelings within that I, most of the time, have well under control. Maybe that is where the problem starts though, that I have it under control; where God should have the control in every situation in my life. After the Pastor delivered the word to me he apologized if he went anywhere that was too sensitive for me. I thanked him & assured him that it was not too close for comfort. It wasn’t right?! I mean, I have asked God to invade every part of my heart & I have given Him access to all the dark places of my heart…so why did it feel like someone had just punched me in the stomach?
The truth is that I had fooled myself into thinking there were no more dark places in my heart. I had been blinded to the struggles going on in my heart; blinded from the roots of bitterness & fear that were planted & allowed to grow in me. I spent the rest of the night wrestling through the initial emotion that rose up in me. I went through the stages of grief in a matter of a few hours. I haven’t felt like I was that emotionally unstable in a long time. I began with denial, feeling that there was nothing I hadn’t released to my Heavenly Father. Soon after came anger. As I thought through what the word might mean, all that I would have to give up on…I was infuriated. I began to think through the “if/then’s” like: if I process this thing, then this result will happen OR I have to give up all of “these things” but God will bring the peace in “this” situation. My mind was reeling…I couldn’t imagine how any of this made sense, could be applied in real life, or could be drawn out of me. I found myself the next morning in a place of devastation. I was on the verge of tears all morning, edgy, & short with others.
I finally took my iPod & headed into the sanctuary…which was locked! Of course, I can’t go where I want to go (insert flash of anger), so instead I have to go back into the big common area & slide into one of the side rooms. Did I mention that I needed to have a breakdown & both teams were home for the day since it was their Sabbath?! I was not keen on falling apart with people who look to me to be the strong one with all the answers within ear shot. But it was time to sort through some things so I entered the auditorium & the Lord and I began working through my heart. As I made a puddle on the gym floor the Lord spoke peace over me. It wasn’t about the wrestling in this instance, it was about the surrender. I’m a fighter by nature; my reaction when scared is not to run, but to throw up my fists and get ready to get into it. In this case, as I tried to wrestle through what the intricacies of the word meant, the Father kept speaking peace…peace…peace. “It doesn’t matter what you have to give up, because you will give it up. Just rest, let me hold you while you grieve. Weep over the sin in your life, over the broken places, over the hidden & let Me make it whole, let Me bring restoration to your spirit.” Eventually, the tears subsided as did my anxious heart. My Father covered me in a blanket of peace. So, now I still don’t know all the answers. In fact I don’t know most of what I am supposed to get from His word; but I have fallen back into His flow, into His arms where I trust that He is in control & knows what He is doing. I’m not fighting for my right to have promises, I’m not fighting for my right to be wounded, or to expect from Him… Instead, I rest…still waiting but resting in the arms of a Wild but Trustworthy Father.
