Sometimes when the Lord and I talk I feel like He wants me to write down our conversation as we go. At first it seems silly but then, when I reread, I find that He has said things to me that I didn’t even pick up the first time. These conversations seem to always take place in the “wee small hours of the morning” and, since I usually see those hours every night, I have had a few of these conversations lately. The following is the text of a conversation we had one night last week. I felt like this was a conversation He wanted me to share so, here it is!
Me: I’m overwhelmed
God: Good, now you can rely on me again.
Me: Why do I constantly go back and forth? I feel like an emotional pendulum swinging from one extreme to the other.
God: Think about your life; there are emotions and feelings you haven’t dealt with. This year you are learning how to deal.
Me: So why do I fight it if it is so good for me; if I will come out better on the other end why fight against it?
God: Because it’s painful and hard. You have attempted to be the picture of togetherness for most of your life. But in order to avoid dealing with those feelings you were quick to anger, quick to judge, and once you were disappointed in someone there was no road to redemption with you.
Me: I think that is changing, don’t you?
God: Yes it is, but you have to dig up the root of something to keep it from growing.
Me: Well what about now? How should I deal with each new country? I find myself shutting down emotionally, subconsciously of course, but shutting down anyway.
God: You see their struggles. You feel them deeper than most because I have made you to walk in compassion. You feel deeply, and not just for yourself, you feel deeply for everyone I bring into your life. You have a nurturing spirit, one that causes you to care for those who need care. I have placed in you a heart and a willingness to fight for the needy and be a voice for those who cannot be heard. Live in it, allow yourself to be passionately and painfully involved.
Me: But what if it hurts too much, what if I can’t handle it? I don’t want to spend my life as a basket-case who can’t control her emotions.
God: You won’t be. You are just learning how to use this gifting I have given you and you are working through your own walk with me. So now is an emotional time. You are seeing widespread need all over the world and you know something must be done. I am only beginning to show you what your part in that whole solution is. Be patient, allow continued healing in your personal life; allow me to be who I am in your life and through your life.
Me: How do I do that?
God: Remember the prayer you prayed before you left for this adventure? “Do whatever you have to in me so that you can do whatever you want to through me”. Did you mean it?
Me: Yes, you know I did, even if I don’t always feel like it. You know that was a prayer I didn’t pray until I sure that I could mean it.
God: Okay, this is me doing something in you, let me work. If your heart doesn’t hurt for them then you won’t really see them; if you don’t experience their pain you won’t have a passionate place to speak from when I ask you to speak on their behalf. If you don’t see and become a part you are merely observing and you and I both know that you are a hands-on student. Simple observation would be inadequate.
Me: Will the swinging ever stop?
God: You don’t swing so far to the extremes anymore do you?
Me: No.
God: You are coming to find your middle ground; the healthy boundary where you are far from apathetic but you are not swallowed up in the grief either. Give it time; don’t create expectations for yourself that I haven’t given you. You will continue to level out. Give yourself time to hurt, to heal, and believe truth and then give that healing away to others. Trust Me! Trust that I knew what I was doing when I knit you together, trust that you are exactly who I made you to be at this point in your walk with me. Trust that you will be ready when the time comes for you to be who you need to be and accomplish the impossible tasks I have called you to. Trust that you are already fulfilling the work I have for you at this exact moment. Trust that you will never be done but you will always be better than you were the day before. Trust that I love you. I know it all and feel it all right along with you.
