If you had asked me four years ago about my life plan, it would have included graduating, finding the perfect teaching job, living close to my beloved family, and maybe even starting a family of my own. Ask me now what is actually happening? Well, the only thing that is the same is that I am graduating…
In August 2017, I am joining the World Race to visit 11 countries in 11 months to serve the world in whatever ways it needs. Sounds a bit like a crazy dream right? I think so too. Thinking about the World Race puts me in a whirlwind of anticipation of exciting adventures and gut-wrenching fears that my personality was not made for this.
I once had a teacher who made a speech in front of the whole class that started with the words: “You cannot be successful in life if you don’t talk.” This teacher often made speeches from his soapbox, we were all pretty used to it by now. The only difference about this speech was that everyone knew his harsh words were directed at me.
Over the years, I have carried these words around like a sack of smelly potatoes. I eventually began to interpret his words to mean that quiet people were boring failures who had nothing to offer to anyone. Sometimes I used my anger as fuel to prove those words wrong. Other times I let the words become truer than they are, and I become paralyzed in fear that I will always be a failure. I have found myself in the constant struggle of accepting my soft spoken nature and trying to become more like the chatty young person everyone seems to want me to be.
I can’t help but wonder why society tends to outcast quiet people. Why can’t I just enjoy the noise of voices filled with joy and laughter in a crowded room? Is it so wrong to be present without audibly making my presence known? Some of these moments of “silence” are my most treasured moments that gave me important insight into the beauty of creation and how humans interact with the world.
No matter how hard I try, I cannot reject the quiet personality that my Creator has given me. Involving myself in more activities and adventures so I have more to talk about only means I get embarrassed at the attention it brings. Forcing myself to talk when I have nothing to say leads to me making comments to complete strangers about odd sidewalk organization. I just do not understand how other people can let sounds come out of their mouth and not have all of their awkwardness spew out at the same time!
I have come to the conclusion that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being quiet. Embarrassment is not something to always avoid. Awkwardness does not mean failure. Being afraid is not the worst thing you could be.
The fault comes when a person becomes awestruck by nature and does not show someone else. When a person notices a beautiful gem of virtue in someone else and fails to point it out to that person. When a person sees an unjust act and does not rally with others to make a difference. It is wrong when a quiet person keeps all the best parts of life to themselves.
Have you ever read anything by Donald Miller? If not. You should. He has this wonderful way of sharing the honest truth about his life in a way that encourages you to embrace your own fears and failures in ways you could never imagine. For years I have had this dream of using my love for writing to start a blog, so I was thrilled to know that part of the World Race requires me to write regularly. However, I have always been afraid people would think my words wouldn’t be worth the time. Then, I read this quote from Scary Close by Donald Miller:
“So I wrote. I wrote as though God thought my voice mattered. I wrote because I believed a human story was beautiful, no matter how small the human was. I wrote because I didn’t make myself, God did. And I wrote like he’d invited me to share my true “self” with the world.” (146)
The volume of my personality does not determine the direction of my life. God does. For reasons that I don’t understand, God has called me, this small, quiet human being, to travel around the world and take part in the making of more beautiful stories. This blog is my way of sharing all the inner workings of my true “self” with you before and during my time on the World Race. I have no doubt this journey will prove to shock us all.
