After last month, I went into this month not sure what to
expect. With a crazy 60+ hour trip to Kathmandu, a new team, another crappy 16
hour ride to our ministry location and the knowledge that we were on the final
leg of our race, I was honestly nervous. I was at a place of just wanting to
quit, although I knew that the things I wanted to run from would still be there
even if I went somewhere else or returned home from the race.
So, as hesitant as I was to continue, I knew that God hadn’t
released me to quit. So we settled into our ministry for the month.
But I realized about a week into the month that I had built
up so much bitterness and resentment towards God because of all of the personal
stuff I was dealing with and the stress of the race itself. As my team entered
into a time of worship, I found that my heart was cold towards God and that I
had absolutely no desire to talk to, sing to, or to pursue or even have Him
pursue me. My passion was gone, my heart was gone, my drive was gone. I was
angry and bitter and just wanted to turn my back and “get through” the next 3
months so that I could stop missions and do something else.
But, sometimes, that’s what teams are for.
I was partially honest with my team about where I was
spiritually, but that night, I realized how much it was actually affecting
them. They spent a good amount of time delving into why I was so closed off and
bitter towards God. When we reached the root, they stood by me, without
judgment, without seeking to fix it and without pity.
I didn’t realize it until the next morning, but they had
broken me. I began to deal with my bitterness and brokenness from the root of
the issue and took steps throughout the week to resolve in my own heart what I
was struggling with.
I can say at this point that as I dealt with the root of my
bitterness, my bitterness towards God subsided. It continues to. At this very
moment, I sit here listening to my own worship music and truly desiring to seek
and hear from God. My passion for Him continues to elevate each day and I’m
getting back to a point of pure satisfaction in Him alone.
I never imagined that bitterness in my own life towards
things or people would cause so much bitterness to take root against my King.
It changed my entire perspective of Him and His promises to me. As much as it
was a dry period, I’m grateful to know that it’s only by His grace that He’s
called me back and used the people around me to be instrumental in that. It
opens my eyes to how bitterness really can take root and affect your entire
life.
But God has taken that bitterness and replaced it with a
seed that will bear much fruit. No longer am I rooted in anger or bitterness,
but in love and peace…or at least it’s beginning to take root.
He’s good…my Gardener is good!
