I have this amazing navy blue pea coat back home that I’ve
had for years. I can still remember the day that I went into the store, set my
eyes upon it and walked back out of the store, pea coat in hand, a proud owner
of a brand-spankin’ new navy blue pea coat. That day was at least 10 years ago,
yet it still hangs in my parent’s closet back home. It waits for me until I
return back to the states and back to the winter months…maybe…
2 years ago, I was living in Savannah and had my eyes set on
a new pea coat. It was tan and black, super cute and on sale! I decided to
upgrade and invest in a new pea coat that would feel newer, look better and,
ultimately, fit better.
The weird thing was that for at least a year, I continued to
switch between the two coats. One day, I would decide that I wanted old comfort
and I would choose to throw on the old blue pea coat that had gone through
years of wear and tear. On other days, I would decide to put on the brand new,
adorable black and tan pea coat. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t as comfortable
as the other…it was much cuter and fit better.
Now that I’m in Africa, it’s not really an issue. It’s
stinkin’ hot here and it would be really unnecessary and quite dumb to carry a
heavy, winter pea coat around the world with me. But even here in Rwanda this
month, God has given me a figurative “new coat” to put on. Let me explain…
In America (only 6-ish months ago), I knew who I was because
of my titles. I was the Master’s student…the youth creative arts leader…the
server…the worshipper…the daughter…
I wore these titles around and people recognized me by them.
When I looked in the mirror, I saw myself wearing the “Master’s student coat”
and the “leader coat.” My identity was in the titles I carried around with me.
So when the World Race began and I didn’t have a title, I
struggled. I won’t lie. I actually sat in my parents’ kitchen on the night
before we flew out and I had a small meltdown…my exact words were “if I don’t
have a title, where do I fit in on my team? What am I gonna do? I want to know
what they’re doing and how they’re being trained. I want to know it all. I want
some kind of control.” Yeah…not too pretty.
I’m not sure why I relied so much on titles to prove who I
was…or maybe that in itself was the reason why…to prove to others that I was good enough and that I could do it. If others saw it, then I
could believe it myself. All of my worth was found in what others thought I
could do or couldn’t do and I wanted the chance to prove that I was good
enough…smart enough…pretty enough…
But early on in the race, God spoke so clearly to me that He
wanted me to know my identity in Him and not in those titles that I’d always
relied on. He stripped away every title, every confidence and everything I had ever
been sure of…He took away my coats that I was comfortable in…my tattered,
dirty, old coats that felt amazing to me. But they had become way too small for
me to truly grow in the things that God wanted to take me through.
So I put on new coat after new coat; each time taking off my
old habits and comforts to fit into something roomy and beautiful. At the
beginning of Cambodia, God graciously restored me with a title…finances…although
my perception had changed so much that it was really difficult for me to be
confident in it at first. I wasn’t sure if it would become another title like
in my past, but I continued to walk in it. It never became my identity and I
was able to walk in it in complete freedom. Over the last few months, I’ve
walked in that coat, getting more and more comfortable in it as time went
along. But when things get comfortable, we all know that God gets uncomfortable
with where we are!
So He gave me a new coat this week…
Team Leader.
Just typing that makes me slightly uncomfortable. Ha! The
title that I cried over at the very beginning is what I now have….yet I find
myself feeling more uncomfortable than I’ve felt in a really long time. You
would naturally expect that leadership would bring more power and control…not!
God’s been bringing me to a place of letting go of every form of control or
power I hold. It’s no longer about proving to people that I can do it or
proving that I’m good enough to do it…but it’s a thought of “God help me
because I have no idea how to do this without you and I don’t want to do it
without your leading!” I know I can’t prove it to anyone…even God…but that’s
not even on my radar anymore. Praise God!
I will fail. I will make mistakes…but that’s part of the
coat. Actually, it’s part of any new coat I put on. It’s a process of growing
into the coat until it becomes comfortable and God gives you another new coat
to grow into.
As I do step into this, I just ask that you be praying for
me and our team in this season. I’ve got a lot of growing to do before I can
fill this coat and all of my teammates are going through their own growth as
well. As nervous as I am to step into this, I’m super excited to see where God
has us going and how He’s gonna lead us there!
