I had this expectation before the Race that I would fall so
hopelessly, madly in love with God more than I ever have before. I also thought
that by the end, I’d be so filled up with…I’m not even sure…but more filled
with passion and desire and everything else than before the Race. I also
thought that I’d have so much time to really just seek after God and we’d have
these incredibly, intense dialogues and I’d just be able to bask in His
presence.
There have definitely been times like that throughout the
World Race. But, kinda like life, sometimes you have your highs and sometimes
you’re just simply in a low. I’ve fallen madly in love with God only to be tested
by struggles and trials in which I’d have to literally fight for love. I’ve
been filled up in my quiet times, by my squadmates and people all over the
world…but I’ve also been drained of so much that I just wanted to sit in a
corner and cry. I’ve experienced my own passion for Christ soar higher than
ever before. I’ve heard God speak so clearly to me that it was as if He were
sitting right next to me. But I’ve also gone through deserts where I thirsted
so much and for so long that I forgot what would actually quench that thirst.
It’s been nearly 10.5 months since the beginning. With
everything that I’ve experienced over the past year, I continue to be amazed at
where God’s brought me.
And even with that thought, I still doubt sometimes that I’ve
changed at all. I struggle. I deal with the doubts and the pain and the trials
like any other human.
For the past 4 days, we’ve been working with a children’s
camp that is being hosted at our contact’s complex. We’ve had hours upon hours
to pour into the kids and the staff of the camp. We’ve had so much fun. From
the moments where you attempt to jump on merry-go-rounds…and fail miserably,
only to fall off…to the moments where a child spots you across the chapel and
runs to sit next to you for the next hour…it’s been incredible.
But, it wasn’t until tonight that God started speaking to me
about some new things He wants to teach me. I was sitting in the youth service
as we started worship.
My first thought with foreign church services has honestly
become, “hmm, what can I do to pass the time while they worship and speak in a
completely different language?” How do you press into God when you have no idea
what’s going on and you can’t really even worship? It’s difficult!
So they asked everyone to stand for worship in Romania and I
stood along with everyone else. The worship leader began to sing the worship
songs. And for the first time in 10.5 months…he sang English songs! He sang in
Romanian, but they were songs that I know in English…and GOOD ones at that! So
I began to sing.
And before I knew it, I was pressing in to God. I was
pouring out my songs and singing at the top of lungs even though everyone
around me was singing in a completely different language. The Spirit was taking
over and I was worshipping.
And not just to look like I understood what was going on…not
just to standing there oblivious to the words or the meaning behind them…
Completely overwhelmed by God’s grace and His provision and
His love that He was pouring out over me in that very moment as I poured out my
worship unto Him!
It was in that moment that I began to listen. The guitarist
began to play “I Will Be Still and Know You Are God.” I began to listen, not
only to God, but to the people around me. It’s hard to talk to most of them
because most things get lost in translation, but in that moment, we were all
praising one God. There was no barrier between any of us, but we were all
worshipping the same Lord.
And God opened up my ears more. I definitely don’t have the
best voice, but God showed me that it didn’t matter. He showed me that even
with the worst voices in the mix, the choir of voices around me became one of
the most beautiful sounds I’d ever heard.
There was no individual voice…they all meshed together and
became one voice…with one purpose…for one God. And it reminded me of my life…
I have times when things are amazing…mountaintop moments…those
moments that you never want to end. Those are the beautiful voices that can
stand alone and stun a crowd. They grab your attention and keep you listening
for hours. Those voices, or moments, that blow you away because of how
beautiful they are.
I also have my desert moments where I hunger and thirst only
to find nothing ahead of me for awhile. Like those terrible voices that are out
of tune, out of harmony…just out. Those that can’t stand on their own…and if
they did, they’d be asked to quiet down and stop. The moments that you want to
end as soon as possible so that you can get back to living out, or listening
to, the beautiful.
My life is full of beautiful, heavenly songs and
gut-wrenching, tone deaf songs. But when you put it all together, my life makes
up the most beautiful song because it’s God that holds it all together and it’s
all for Him.
So, even in my ugly moments, God’s in them. To redeem. To
restore. To give grace. To love unconditionally. To spur me on to keep
fighting.
So, as this Race approaches the finish line, God’s grace
continues on before me.
My song is beautiful.
Despite me. And my failures.
Despite me. And my triumphs.
It’s beautiful. Because He orchestrates it. And He, Himself,
is woven throughout the entire song.
