Written Recently:
In Indonesia I realized that physical milestone at training camp meant way more than just that- I do it with many things.
It’s why I started to grasp tightly to the people I didn’t want to abandon.
I’m scared to give God the things in my life.
To trust Him with things I cannot handle on my own. I am putting God in a box and not letting Him lead in areas I can’t see getting past.
Like my family and friends for example. I want some proof they will be taken care of, I don’t want to miss out on anything in their lives, I want to be there for them, I want to fix things for them and take care of them. And it’s so easy to want to be that person for those people instead of letting God.
I am still struggling with giving God these people and these situations I have been trying to juggle on my shoulders (successfully or not, lol).
But God is showing me more and more that I honestly don’t have the control to do those things. That it really doesn’t help them when I step in and fill spots that God should be fulfilling.
That His care is far greater for them than mine, even though that is hard to admit.
But, I know my God is big and loving and my love, as real as it feels, isn’t perfect like His.
That Christ is the proof that he takes care of people (that includes MY people). His death is proof of His love, protection, and care.
As I step into releasing my grasp on the people back home, God is showing me that I have been relying on them for my security and not on Him. But He is guiding me to become more reliant on Him.
As I stepped into giving God the important people in my life I stopped communicating with them this month in the Philippines, it became apparent that there is more I need to bring to God. He has challenged me, more like motivated me, to lean on Him during this journey.
To begin learning this now and in the beginning of the 11 months and make my security and identity come from Him and not on how well I am being a sister, daughter, friend, etc.
My comfort, my emotional and spiritual well-being should not be based on the people that I surround myself with. I always knew this in my head but I never realized the degree to which I allowed myself to be rooted in that and not in Jesus. It is a tough realization. It’s so easy to rely on something physically there. Something you can see and ask questions to and get an immediate answer.
To be continued…
TTFN,
Jenny
