At training camp, I failed my hike by 1 minute.
1 minute short and I stinking pushed myself.
I ran when it hurt.
I tried to have hope I would make it even though everything in me was telling me it’s too late.
The second lap of that huge hill was the last thing I wanted to do with my pack on my back and an un–promised victory ahead of me. There was a leader walking with me, and she asked me what was the hardest thing I had done, and like the psychology major I am, I didn’t want any of her “mind trickery” to tell me what I was feeling wasn’t as bad as what I have conquered in the past or what I was making it to be in my head said, “THIS IS!”
Trying to rid her of a possibility to motivate me because it hurt to push my body. But she didn’t even bat an eye it seemed as she pushed me to do more than I wanted, more than I thought I could. Saying “Well, you’re going to do it, push harder!”
But, I failed.
Luckily…I could choose to re-hike and climb up that hill with my whatever pound pack the next morning.
That same day we had an exercise and I self-reflected on the shame I felt not making the hike time on my first try.
I realized I was scared to give this hike, my physical capabilities, to the Lord because I was “protecting” my faith by not testing it.
What if I gave in and said “okay I’m giving this to you Lord, I feel I cannot do this hike especially after I ache this bad from the first try”, and then I couldn’t make the hike – it would lessen my faith and I wanted my faith.
I had told the girls on my team, what if I give God all my trust and it isn’t something I can do out of my own strength?
If it is all on God and it doesn’t work out, what’s it going to do to my faith?
Just as simple as I asked that question to my team the Lord asked me that night as I was crying in my tent alone –
But what’s it going to do to your faith if it DOES end up a success??
I realized I wasn’t allowing my faith to grow. I realized then that I was too scared to let God have something I couldn’t see the end result of.
So, I woke up with an open heart willing to give this to God completely. Trusting him with something I couldn’t see myself coming out of successfully.
I closed my eyes up that last hill and kept repeating “my heart may fail but you alone are my portion forever.” I felt like I could pass out but every time I picked up a leg to put it forward it found solid ground and I made it past that hill and made it to the end of the hike with time to spare.
Time to spare?!
HOW?? I was a minute over on the first hike?!
And all the sudden those extra pushes to run on the curves or jog until I got to the tree line felt worth it. They were hard and they didn’t feel like my perseverance was helping.
But as I went up that HUGE hill for the last time, I choose to fully put my faith in God.
I fell to the ground at the finish line, knowing I serve a faithful God.
To be continued…
TTFN,
Jenny
