God has been teaching and growing me so much! I honestly don’t know where to start. I did one of the most reckless, stupidest things ever! But it was the most wonderful, freeing thing I have ever done.
For those of you who don’t know, I was born with a hearing loss. No one knew until I was two years old and I got my first set of hearings aids when I was three.
During training camp, I was out on the soccer field sitting on a soccer ball doing an assignment we were given, which involved Lamentations 3. I had nothing. I couldn’t hear God, I wasn’t getting anything from His Word and I didn’t feel him there. And it had been like that for several days and I was discouraged.
Then God spoke as I was reading Lamentations 3:25-26
All I heard was “Wait.” What’s that supposed to mean? Wait for what? And He said, “Wait, don’t do anything, just wait.”
Later that day while we were in a session, and my squad parent, Tim spoke on Freedom. Being free from the “religious” aspect of Christianity. Like the do’s and don’ts. Climbing the ladder of “good deeds” and “I prayed today so that makes me on God’s good side.” Of working hard and trying harder to get the “good Christian” feel. I realized that was something I had fallen to for the past several months and throughout different times my whole life. I was trying to earn my way to heaven with my “good deeds.” I got saved when I was 8 and have been striving to know God more and more and somewhere along the way I allowed this “climb the ladder” idea into my life. It was something that I had personally made a part of my identity without me ever knowing it.
I realized why God wanted me to wait. It was because I was doing everything for Him for the wrong reasons. God wants us to do it for Him, because we love Him. Not because it’s the “Christian” thing to do. He wants us to love and know Him as He is. He wants us to have a real relationship with Him. Not to have a relationship with the Bible or to love prayer or to know all the worship songs. He wants to show us who HE is through Himself.
I was really excited and my heart changed and I was on fire again. I wanted to do something. But God told me again to wait. He wasn’t done yet. I think it was the next night at worship that I was thinking about all of this and God, once again, showed me why I needed to wait. He told me that He doesn’t love me because of what I attempt to do for Him. He loves me because I am His child, even though I hadn’t prayed or read the Bible or encouraged someone in a while. I literally did nothing. Yet He loved me. And that was something I really needed to hear. I no longer had this guilt and doubt of not being good enough. He loved me just as I was mistakes and all. My identity isn’t what I do; my identity is in what Christ has done for me… And that’s what He wanted me to understand. God has been slowly revealing the things that I put my identity in and that night I thought He was done. So I asked God what He wanted me to do now. And guess what He said? “Wait.” I was getting tired of hearing that word. But waited I did. Never could I imagine what I was waiting for.
The next day I was on my way to shower and God said “go for a run.” I didn’t really want to, but it was different than waiting so I started running. I was really enjoying the run on the ranch. God ended up leading me to a lake that’s about a 10 min walk from the house/ranch. I get there and take a break. The view is beautiful. I’m sitting there on one of the chairs and I ask God what’s next. He said “Wait.” Here we go again. A few minutes later out of the blue God says “Go swimming.” Uhhhhh, what?! I’m by myself = bad idea. I don’t have a towel to dry myself and my ears with, and there’s no safe spot to put my hearing aids. But he said it again and again till I ran out of excuses. Out of the blue I asked if I could go swimming with my hearing aids on. (aka can I just wade in to my knees or waist.) He said yes. So I go in the water to my waist. “Is this good, God?” “Go under with your hearing aids on.” What?! These are the only pair I have with me. How will I hear without them? But He said it again and again. I asked if I would miss out on His blessing if I didn’t do it. He replied yes. After a long while I finally did it. (They have gotten really wet before and if you just let them dry out they work fine.) Took them off right away, took out the batteries and got back to the chair. Sat there for a bit thinking what the heck did I just do?
Then again, out of the blue, God spoke again “Throw your hearing aids in the lake.”
I thought- I can’t do that! There’s no way I’m giving these up, I need them. How else am I supposed to hear? Nope, not doing it.
“Trust me. Throw them in the lake.”
“I can’t”
“Can’t or won’t? Have faith”
I walked back down to the water edge and sat there, crying, asking God if there was another way.
“Trust me and obey”
“I love you. Why are you asking me to do this?”
“Do you really love me?”
“I don’t know, do I?”
“Have faith and trust me, Child. You will miss out on the blessing.”
“God, I can’t live without these. Ever since I could remember I had them. I’ve always known where they are. I have never gone anywhere without them. These hearing aids are my life.”
“No child, I’m your life and I’m the only thing you need.”
At that moment I realized what I had made my hearing aids to be. I had made it a part of my identity. I had believed that it was who I was and that without them I was nothing. I had depended on my hearing aids more than I did God. God didn’t have my complete heart and life.
“You are not your hearing aids. You are more than that. I love you as who you are as a person.”
“Will you heal me?”
“Yes”
“When?”
“Trust me”
God continued to tell me who I am to Him. Encouraging me and telling me that He’s all I need.
I don’t know how long I sat there but I threw one in.
Then the other one.
And I cried some more. I was thinking that I just did the stupidest thing ever. What will everyone think of me? But at the same time God was speaking.
“Well done faithful servant.”
I was going back and forth between thinking I made a mistake and God telling me I obeyed and that He was so proud of me.
I told God that if His voice was the only voice I heard for the rest of my life then I would be content in that. If I never heard any other voice or sounds ever again, I would be content in that as long as God was with me.
“I will never leave you, child”
I was feeling something I never felt before. I was free and I could feel it. Nothing was hindering my relationship with God anymore. I’m loved by Him, I’m cherished by Him, I’m redeemed, I’m restored and I didn’t do a thing. This is what He wanted me to see. He wanted me to understand and believe that His grace is enough. His love is enough, His blood is enough. I can’t add to it. It’s already done. Christ took it all for me. This is what love looks like.
On the run back to the house, I was talking to God and I asked if He was going to heal me and if He was going to make me wait. (Like He has been) He said yes to both. I stopped running and stood there and said “Really? You’re going to make me wait? How long?”
“You’ll see, wait and trust me.”
When I got back to the house I found two of the leaders and told them what I did. I didn’t want anyone to know what I did because I was afraid of what they would think of me. The two leaders prayed for me and once again I heard God say “Be patient and wait.”
At that point there was no way I was telling the squad what happened. All of the leaders knew and if they wanted to tell them that was fine. But it wasn’t going to come from me.
After I got cleaned up, I grabbed my journal and started writing. Everyone was chatting and playing games. Then God told me to tell them right now.
“What? Now?”
“Yes, now”
Right after that one of the racers came up to me and asked if I was ok. I told her that there was something I needed to share with everyone. She got everyone’s attention for me and I started talking. I told them everything. When I got done they all came and prayed for me. While they were praying I asked God if this is what He wanted. He said “Yes.”
The encouragement and support I’ve gotten from the squad and leaders have been incredible! God used this to bond our squad together in an amazing way. Someone told me that this time of silence is my time to really hear God.
It has been a week now and God has continued to grow me in this. There are times when it’s hard, but everyone has been very patient with me and telling me to speak up and demand to know what’s going on. I’m trusting God that He will allow me to hear whatever I need to hear. God has spoken to me. Sometimes, if I had my hearing aids on I wouldn’t have heard Him. Every time I think that I could get used to this God tells me “Don’t get use to this, I’m not done with you yet.”
I don’t know how long I will have to wait before God heals me, but I’m really soaking up this time in silence now because when I am healed it will be harder to get the silence I have now. It will be harder to block out the sounds of the world and its lies.
I am completely content with where God has me now. I always want to be content in God. But I’m not comfortable. I never want to be comfortable. I want to keep pressing in to what God has for me. To keep pressing in, in knowing who God is. Because there is always more.
So has it been worth it?
Yes, it has been completely worth it.
“But for you, O LORD, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer.” Psalms 38:15
