Where do I start when trying to explain how I arrived at the decision to be a part of the World Race Gap Year? The answer is simple: God led me. Looking back, the conclusion to take the leap into this indescribable journey has been winding, and a long time coming. Ever since I was a little girl I have prayed for adventure. I can’t count the times I’ve been driving home on the interstate and wished I could just pass my exit and keep going until I ran out of money and road to travel. As I’ve grown up I’ve accepted the fact that my spirit isn’t tame, and I want to see the world. More than that though, I want to be an active part of it. I don’t want to be a tourist wandering through countries, including the one I live in, blind to the pain of the people who live there. I don’t know how I can help and I am nowhere near being a “perfect” Christian, but I’m willing to do anything I can and follow where the Lord leads me.
This is where the irony comes in, but I know God gets a kick out of taking what we think our dreams are and turning them upside down. I remember watching a documentary about missionaries in South America when I was about seven and thinking, “That does not look like a fun vacation”. God certainly has a sense of humor, because going to the mission field is all I can think about now. This decision didn’t come easy. In all honesty, I tried for months to bury the desire He placed in my heart and play things safe, and I was miserable for it. I was very good at keeping my walls up and my heart hard to the nudges of the Holy Spirit. Yet ironically, I kept praying for an answer to why I was so miserable! Finally, I’d say the Holy Spirit was done knocking politely on my walls and decided to bring them crumbling down around me. I was sitting in my room and the song Oceans by Hillsong came over the radio and I knew God was speaking to me through that song. I broke down crying and couldn’t stop for hours. I’d never felt the still small voice of the holy spirit so clearly inside me before. The next day, I was at church and the band played the same song Oceans. I’d like to point out that the band hadn’t played that song once since I’d been attending church until that night. Once again I couldn’t hold myself together. After that, the song played every other day on the radio and every week at church. Every time I heard it I was overwhelmed by the feelings of love, peace, and purpose that were being poured like heavy concrete on top of me. I’d been running from His presence so long and finally the Holy Spirit knocked down my walls, announced himself loudly, and picked me out of the rubble. It was like all the years of prayer to find the path God has laid for me as well as the fear that I would never be able to make even the tiniest difference in this world came to a clash. I had a decision to make and by the grace of God I found my courage to take the leap of faith, knowing he would catch me and put me exactly where I’m needed.
I’m beginning to realize the decision to trust without knowing what I’m stepping into isn’t a decision that can be made just once. It has to be made daily. Every day I’m met with people who don’t believe I can raise the money for this trip, as well as negativity from people who don’t understand why I would want to take part in a nine month mission trip in the first place. These doubts try to break me down and try my faith, but I know without a doubt He can do this and I’m not worried. I can’t do it on my own, but I’m never alone and I never have to be afraid. I still get scared, and I still wonder what the heck I’m doing volunteering to leave my loving family and safe home for nine months. But my home isn’t the four walls I reside in, it’s with God wherever I am. I can feel his love so strong, and I can’t miss this incredible opportunity to share that love with people who rarely, if ever, get the chance to experience it. I don’t operate under the illusion that the only hurting people in this world are in third world countries. There is pain everywhere, including in our own homes, neighborhoods, schools, and workplaces. I know I can’t save everyone and help everyone. But, I am going to take His lead and give everything I have trying no matter where I am. I guess I’m saying I’m letting go completely and trusting in Him and His ways, and I know this trip is going to make my faith and relationship with Him stronger.
Mark 9:23 And Jesus said, [You say to Me], if You can do anything? All things can be [are possible] to him who believes.
