Super Mario
Do you ever get the feeling of DejaVu? The feeling that you've been here, or heard that, or done this before? I do. I wouldn't say I am unintelligent, but I definitely struggle to retain any information that I've learned. So it shouldn't surprise me, but it does frustrate me when i think I've learned something, I've mastered it, and then, surprise! It pops back up in my life and I have no idea what to do with it.
I'll give you an example. I remember being about 25, struggling through the early years of my marriage and turning to a book for help. After reading, I realized I had what some people call "control issues." Don't laugh. It takes some of us longer than others to figure these things out. Anyway, I realized this was a struggle for me and I sought to change it, conquer it, eradicate it (at least the negative portion) from my life. It took some thought, some journaling, some prayer, some conversation and some practice but I eventually got to a good place with my "control issues." In fact, I hadn't even thought about them in years. But when I began the Race in September I was having a heated discussion with one of our leaders who looked at me and said, "You know Jenn, you can't control everything." Gasp! What?! I am not trying to control anything. I don't have control issues. Oh boy, I am getting way to defensive for that to be true . . . They weren't the same issues I struggled with in the past but I was fighting for control.
I call it the Super Mario principle. Any time you play a video game your goal is to beat all the bad guys, or jump over enough walls, or bang up enough pigs to get to the next level. But it doesn't take long to realize that level 2 or 3 is exactly the same thing as level 1, just a little more difficult, or with slightly higher stakes. Yes, I had dealt with my control issues and I had conquered them, on level one. Now I had to deal with them all over again, on level 2.
I've been having the same struggle with trust. I remember as a teenager being baffled that my mom got so worried over things like money for lunch, clothes for school, gas for the car, etc. Didn't she realize that God was in control? Why couldn't she trust him to provide those things if we really needed them? I used to look at my brother and roll my eyes when he got so worked up over finals, juries, and money for school. Didn't he realize God was in control and already had this covered? It seemed so silly to me to waste your life worrying . . .
But here I am worrying about my future. Will it be filled with the things I want? Will I be happy? Do I have to let go of the past to succeed in the future? Am I pressed for time? Is there anything I can do NOW to prepare for later? Ahhhh! Don't I realize that God is in control? Why can't I just TRUST that he will provide those things if I really need them? Well that's the question I asked myself for about an hour the other day. I'm not gonna lie, the answer was ugly. I'll give it to you raw, in a conversation format so I don't seem quite so crazy . . .
Teeny Tiny voice that I'll call God: Do you trust me?
Me: Yeah
God: Jenn, do you really trust me?
Me: Of course, I gave up a year of my life to go help people because of you didn't I?
God: But do you TRUST ME?
Me: OK, no. No, I don't trust you. I've always trusted you to be there when I needed you, but in the end it didn't work out that way, did it? I came to you. I begged you to fix "this mess". I did everything you asked me to do. I prayed. I worked hard. I changed. A LOT. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I did what you asked and you still didn't reward it. HOW am I supposed to trust you when I can't trust you to do what I asked you to do?
God: Jenn, TRUSTING ME doesn't mean trusting me to do what YOU want. It means trusting me to be God. It doesn't mean trusting me to change your circumstances so you like them better, it means trusting me to walk with you through them so you like YOU better. I Love You. I will never force you to do anything. But I will always walk through the circumstances with you – whether that means the terrible consequences of your choices or the unfortunate rubble of someone else's.
I hate that answer. I want God to change circumstances so I am happy. BUT, I also like having the free will to make my own choices. So if God will never force ME to do anything, he will never force others to do anything either, which means their choices could negatively affect me. God may not change the circumstances but he will walk with me through the crap. So that's where I am, worrying about what I cannot control. Afraid that the outcome won't be what I want. Learning to trust God and his goodness all over again. I think I'm on level 48 with this one. One of these days maybe I'll master it, but for now I am glued to the game control.
This is a bathroom in the bush. I was just glad this one had a door, sort of . . .
