Christ-like. We hear that word combination on a fairly consistent basis, as we should. Once you make a decision to die to yourself and live for Christ your ultimate goal is to live as Christ lived. We fail but we should try every single day in every aspect of our lives.
I’m failing pretty consistently lately. I’m struggling. It’s one very specific aspect with which I’m struggling. I’m fighting against every instinct to allow selfishness to creep in. What exactly do I mean? Well, here’s a very quick once over. I feel abandoned right now by some people close to me in my life. People whom I have stood beside during some extremely difficult times. People who know me better than most. People who know I am struggling but have yet to talk with me about it.
The things going on in my life are irrelevant to this blog. What is relevant to this blog are my actions towards these people. The world tells us that if you feel someone has screwed you over then you screw them over. If someone burns you then you burn them in return. If someone fails to reach out to you when you need it most then you refuse them when they finally do reach out. I am fighting every human instinct to ignore these people when they finally feel like connecting with me again. I would be lying if I said I do not think about just turning my back and walking away. It would be extremely easy given our current situations. It is exhausting knowing that I have put other people before me and my needs time and time again and yet these people cannot do the same in return.
After all, why should I continue to put my energy into serving those around me when they do not show that same commitment? That’s an easy answer…because Christ did. The hard part is actually following through. I am not talking about serving people who can never repay you. I am talking about people who very well have the capacity to do so but do not make it a priority. Is that not so much harder? Knowing someone can, but chooses not, to serve you in a way you need it is one of the hardest things to accept. I can honestly say that if I received a text message from these people at this very moment, even while I am writing this blog, I would most likely ignore it. I have talked about this issue with a squad mate and she said, “Jen, you will respond if you get a text.” It was her way of telling me that I am better than what my instincts are telling me to do. It was also her way of telling me that if I acted like a moron she was going to call me out.
I realized very quickly on in this situation that God was doing just what I asked of Him. For about a month or so I have been asking Him to begin revealing any and every issue that needs work before I even leave for Training Camp in July. I told Him that I was willing and ready for some tough lessons about myself. This one in particular is without a shadow of a doubt in my mind regarding my issue with control. Because I am unable to control the interactions I have with people in my life I am getting frustrated. My frustration is leading to resentment and all I want to do is show these people what it feels like to need someone only to have them unavailable when I know they are available.
That is where the selfishness is consuming me. I am more concerned with my own feelings than I am with what these people may need from me. Christ gave everything to us and for us. While he was living on this earth he served relentlessly, never once putting himself before others.
Feelings of hurt, abandonment, and resentment are hard to fight against. I certainly cannot do it alone. Even after a week in Ethiopia that included some very honest talks with members of my team I am still struggling with my choice, a choice where I know the correct answer and am fighting against choosing the correct answer because it means laying down my pride. It means knowing these people may never know how they have hurt me. It means learning to be okay with their needs, yet again, being placed above my own. During one of the talks in Ethiopia I was told that “it’s nothing personal.” Well, it feels pretty personal.
I am going to continue to pray and I am going to try to lay down the pride. I may not succeed immediately, or perhaps I will, but I have to strive every day to be more like Christ.
