I am misunderstood. I have been misunderstood for most of my life. I can remember growing up and being constantly told to smile, as if walking around not smiling somehow conveyed unhappiness. I have spent the better part of a decade attempting to alter the way in which I speak and respond to people. My voice has always had a harsher tone to it than what was intended when I opened my mouth. I do not have a bubbly personality. I do not walk around with a huge smile on my face. I am sarcastic. I have a very dry sense of humor. I pick on people that I love and I joke around incessantly, often times to a fault. I hate crying in front of anyone. I talk nonstop about the people in my life and the impact they have had on me. These are the things people know about me because they are the most obvious from the start.
What are the things people do not know (right away anyhow)? I am extremely sensitive. Movies, tv shows, commercials, and songs make me cry. I feel very deeply and love very deeply. I walk around with an unshakable pride for my family and friends. I despise upsetting anyone and if I have hurt someone I have a very hard time forgiving myself, long after they have forgiven me. I hold myself to a higher standard than the standard to which I hold the people in my life. They are allowed to screw up, ask for forgiveness, and accept grace. I am not allowed to screw up and I often do not feel like I deserve their forgiveness or grace.
Because of the exterior that I walk around portraying people assume I do not get my feelings hurt. They think I am mean. They assume I do not care. They find me harsh.
How do I portray the love of Christ if this is the perception people have? Where do I find that balance between being who God created me to be and living as Christ lived, loving and serving His children?
Since the start of my experience with the World Race I have truly attempted to go out of my way to be as welcoming as I could to my squad mates. Unfortunately, we are spread out across the entire nation and even have members in Canada, Haiti, and Morocco. All of our interactions take place over social media. My personality does not translate so well over social media. In order to compensate I have begun calling my squad so that I can speak with each of them one on one. I believe this has helped in a lot of ways. I still have a long way to go.
I am tired of being the person that has to “grow” on others. I pray God will soften my exterior. I pray my Father will reveal to me what He sees when He looks at me because I honestly do not know what He sees and the vision I have cannot possibly be what He sees.
I love nothing more than bringing people together for a cause. That cause can be a 5k run, a dinner celebrating someone’s accomplishment, or in the case of my squad learning, growing, and preparing as a team to go unto the nations. You see, this blog is meant for my squad first and foremost. They need to know this about me. Squid A (don’t ask, inside joke) you need to know this about me. These characteristics are things that people learn about me over time. Do we have time for y’all to learn these things? Yes. However, these are not just any relationships we are building here. We are 55+ passionate Christians who will travel together spreading the message of the world’s greatest Hope. We owe it to ourselves, to Adventures in Missions, to the people to whom we will minister, and above all else to Adonai to be real with each other and to be accepting of each other, faults and all. Here are my faults and all.
Mark 3:25 says, “And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.” Make no mistake, the Enemy will find ways to divide this house. He is already trying. He has nothing to lose and everything to gain in our failures in our lives, our anxieties about the Race, our judgements against one another, and our refusals to see each other as our Father sees us.
We will not allow this in our house.
“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.” 1 Peter 3:8
