I failed. I failed in ways larger than I ever could have imagined just a few weeks ago.
Training Camp ended on 16 July and I have spent the past few days traveling home, lounging around, thinking, praying, and telling my TC story to a few people close to me.
I left home on 06 July believing the Lord was going to do something with me at TC. There are always things we need to work on so in my mind I just kept thinking a couple of things would surface during an intense moment of worship or during one of the breakout sessions. Everything was packed away in nice, neat little boxes deep inside just waiting for God to remove the lid to a couple of those boxes and at that point I would have two choices. I could either quickly push the lid back down and refuse to accept that the lid was removed for a reason OR I could allow the lid to stay off and begin to actually face whatever it was that He had in mind. I was relaying this analogy to a friend and we both laughed when I said, “That’s just so typical of my personality isn’t it? Believing everything is neatly organized deep down inside of me and I can control when and if it surfaces.” Furthermore, I was pretty cocky walking in…nothing was going to get me too vulnerable. Maybe I would shed a tear or two but they would be wiped away before anyone saw. Right.
Instead, God threw a stick of dynamite right into the middle of all of my containers and blew everything to complete smithereens, scattering pieces of my mess all over me and a number of my squad mates (who may or may not still love me after what I put them through). Let the good times roll.
The first night I was at TC we were in worship and they began to play “Oceans”. Now, there is some significance with this song for me but it would take a bit too long to fully explain so just know that a few months back God gave me a vision during this song of Jesus taking my hand and walking me across a body of water as flat as glass but directly towards a storm in the distance. This night at TC I started asking God what the storm was that He was taking me to and I immediately had an overwhelming sense that I was being told “Jennifer, you are not going to do the World Race.” Okay, I’m sorry, WHAT? I am at training camp, I am fully funded, you have GOT to be kidding me! For about 20 minutes I cannot shake this feeling and I almost throw up. To make matters worse I decide that I shouldn’t tell anyone because who wants to be THAT girl that starts doubting on day one of camp? That lasted about two hours because I ultimately told one squad mate that night and she just said, “Wow Jen, I hope that’s not the case.” The next day I felt slightly better but something was still off. This is when God dropped the first stick of dynamite right into the middle of my emotional storage closet.
I developed a few very close friendships prior to TC and one of those people received some heartbreaking news on day two and was forced to leave camp. The Lord struck me where He knew I would be the most vulnerable. He took one of my sisters away from me and it literally brought me to my knees. I spent about 72 hours crying at the drop of a hat over anything that reminded me of her and for the first time in my life I sobbed in someone’s arms (that someone being a woman who has been pushing me to allow my vulnerability to surface). I could not be there to comfort her because I was stuck in Georgia. I was hurting because she was hurting and the best, yet the hardest, advice I received was I “had to let her go and give her over to the Holy Spirit.” At some point over the next few days I finally understood what God was telling me on that first night. It wasn’t that I was not going to do the Race, it was that I was not going to do the Race the way in which I had imagined. One-third of my squad BFF circle was gone.
God was not done yet. Through a series of spoken words, encounters, and even some quiet time I shared with the Lord, He began to slowly reveal the season in which He had planned for me. Think of a bomb maker meticulously placing C-4 in every nook and cranny that he can possibly find so that when he finally decides to set off the explosives there’s nothing left.
My squad mentor, Jeremy, said “Jen, I see you standing behind people and pushing them to lead. I envision you in the dirt, pushing people out of the soil and as they emerge they blossom into these beautiful flowers.” The next morning I did something I have not ever done. I sat down and wrote out exactly what I heard God speaking to me and it came out almost as if He had written me a letter. He told me that I am a leader, it’s who He created me to be, but that I would lead in His time and under His circumstances. He knows what is best and I do not. This was quickly followed up with another conversation from another squad mate who said “Jen, have you ever read The 5 Levels of Leadership?” to which I replied, “No.” She explained that the fifth level is leaders developing leaders and that she saw me in that place. It was time for me to move beyond just leading and into a place where my natural and cultivated talents were put to use for something else. I knew full well where all of this was heading but I was in denial. The 48 hour period arrived where teams were starting to take form and I was never once asked to lead. Moreover, the two squad BFF that I had left were BOTH asked to lead. I held onto hope that perhaps AIM would ask me to serve as the Logistics Coordinator but I knew all along that was not in the plan. The Lord was very blunt with me and said “Jennifer, when I take you out of a season I FULLY take you out of a season.”
BOOM. All that C-4 that was packed in went off, and I went with it. I dealt with every emotion imaginable. I was hurt, angry, sad, confused, and lost (I even had a mini panic attack right in the middle of lunch and had to run off into the woods)…but most of all I felt like I had failed my squad and AIM. I placed ridiculous expectations on myself because I wanted nothing more than to lead my sisters and brothers on this adventure, not because of any sort of hunger for power but because it’s how I show I care. When you have the personality and drive that I have it’s almost nearly impossible to not feel like a failure in these situations.
It was sitting in those woods where I learned more about God than during any other time at camp. He told me it was okay to be furious at Him for sending my friend home and for taking me into this season of not leading. For the first time in my life I was comfortable being angry at God. I knew He wasn’t going to change His answer but in so many ways it helped me cope with His decision and move on to the next challenge. I realized that I had allowed my identify to be found in my ability (or sometimes inability) to lead. Leadership has been spoken over me for my entire life. My family, my friends, my coworkers, and even my squad mates…you name it. My family tells leadership stories that stretch all the way back to when I was in kindergarten. Prior to TC I was told people wanted me as their team leader. Many people aware of my journey said I would undoubtably be placed into a leadership position. Once at camp I was asked to serve as a makeshift team captain. I would see issues of confusion or disarray and my first instinct was to step in and try to provide some order to the chaos. I would even have moments where I looked around and saw 46 younger brothers and sisters and my protective nature would kick in. I am certainly not angry at anyone for thinking or saying these things about me. If anything, it’s the complete opposite because it is the most humbling thing in the world to be told that people trust you enough to lead them. However, this is the first season in my life where God is telling me that He is where my identity will be found. He is no longer asking; it is a direct order (I work well with direct orders for obvious reasons).
Now what do I do? Well, I take on the role as the first follower. I will stand behind my phenomenal Team Leader, Ashley Ancona, and I will push her to be better every single day. I will use my experiences to help my team and my squad. I will move through this season, however long or short it may be, and I will emerge on the other side knowing full well where my identity is found. I will rest. I will allow people to pour into me and I will learn to receive it as opposed to pouring into others constantly.
So you see? I failed. I failed to realize just how much the Lord would be able to reveal to me and change my entire outlook on the race in only ten days. I failed to believe that my Father would make things so utterly painful for me, yet allow me to get angry at Him so I could process His plan. I failed to accept that there were things buried deep inside of me that He has the power to bring to the surface like the flip of a light switch. I failed to understand just how incredibly proud I could be of my two BFF for stepping into the very challenging role of Team Leader. I failed to fully grasp just how accepting my squad would be when I spoke these words to them around a campfire on our last night. It is a great thing that despite our failures God still decides to show up; otherwise, I would have a very different TC story. Instead, I have a story that is now a new addition to my testimony.
