I didn’t know.
I didn’t know I could fall in love with a group of kids in such a short amount of time.
I didn’t know I could walk into these homes every day and enjoy hoards of kids literally hanging all over me.
I didn’t know leaving a ministry would feel like I was leaving home all over again.
I didn’t know moving to month five of the race would feel like my heart was going to break in half.
I didn’t know the thought of leaving would make me want to throw up.
I didn’t know I could cry over people I have only known for a few weeks.
But He knew.
He knew where I would serve in India when I left on the race.
He knew I would discover a love I never knew I had, working with kids with special needs.
He knew He would bring people into my life who will remain there forever.
He knew He would break me in His timing, not mine.
This month has been the single most life altering month I have experienced on the race thus far, and will certainly remain one of the highlights of my race. The beautiful children I see every day. The long term volunteers who somehow managed to transition from acquaintance to friend to family in a matter of weeks. The way the Lord decided it was time to break me in the fourth month of my race. All of these things overwhelm me every day.
I look at these kids and all I can see is beauty. He made them absolutely perfect and even though our fallen world cannot see it He sees it and He is allowing me to see it. Being surrounded by them and submerged in their love makes me, in turn, fall in love with the Father and Son infinitely more. I am convinced these kids are proof of a perfect Father with a perfect love. They are angels sent to earth to give us a glimpse of that perfect love because they love so flawlessly, endlessly, and uncompromisingly just the way Jesus loves.
Not only did the Father introduce me to these children, He also brought into my life a couple of American volunteers who serve here on a long term basis. These aren’t just any volunteers to whom I will have to say bye. These are people who have had a significant impact on my life because they are a part of my story here in India. We have spent time getting to know each other on a personal level outside of the confines of the ministry and for that I am eternally grateful. I can look back over the past few years and identify specific moments where the Lord brought someone into my life. I always know when He is at work because I have an immediate connection with the person that cannot be explained and this time it is no different. I can say for certain while in India the Lord placed lifelong friends in my path, people I trust with my innermost thoughts and vulnerabilities.
My team, squad, and leadership all know I have been waiting to experience a ministry that tore straight through to my heart. I lived so much of my race in moments of frustration when I did not feel like I was properly connecting with ministry. I wondered if I was meant for this life. I asked God if I had the capability to connect on a deeper level the way I had seen so many others on my squad connect with their ministries. Perhaps I began to accept this would just be my race, a race where I move from country to country serving and loving but never experiencing anything deeper. I have had several conversations with squad mates regarding this seemingly impossible “task” of seeing a ministry through the Father’s eyes and was continually encouraged by their insistence that “it would happen” or “everyone experiences ministry differently, Jen.”
Because of some things that have been spoken over me my entire life I wanted to know if I even had the ability to feel both the love and pain the Father feels for his children. When your relationship with Christ is such that he is a friend you want to know his innermost thoughts and feelings, including understanding the way he looks at his children. I thought I was failing in some capacity because I just could not see or feel these things.
And then India.
I have wondered since the day I launched when I would arrive to a ministry site that absolutely overwhelmed me. I have prayed for it, begged for it, longed for it, and I didn’t know it would happen in India. But He knew.
