As I sit here at debrief reflecting on my first month of ministry on the World Race my mind is saturated with thoughts of the country, the people, the ministry, the food, the good times, and even the not so good times.
Transitioning out of America and into Africa was easy. I did not experience any significant culture shock. More than likely this is due to the fact that we had an American room mate from day one.
I previously posted a blog regarding both the description of Uganda and its people as well as the various ministries in which we took part while here. For this particular blog I want to talk a little about how I’ve seen and experienced the Lord this month and specifically about what He is doing in my life.
I left U.S. soil knowing He was calling me out into a season of total uncertainty. While this can be said for just about every Racer my circumstances were slightly different. He called me out of a nine year career centered on leadership and took me into a place where the type of leadership I provided to those around me would look totally different than anything I had ever experienced. Furthermore, God has never placed one type of ministry on my heart. For instance, there are certain Racers who gravitate towards orphans while others deeply connect with human trafficking victims. There are those missionaries whose hearts belong to teaching children and others who love to evangelize throughout towns and villages around the world. I knew my heart was a clean palette waiting to be filled with the images and colors of any and every ministry I would encounter over the next year. While there is so much excitement in that place there is also a ton of uncertainty and sometimes even feelings of inadequacy because thoughts such as “If my heart does not belong to one ministry will I ever truly feel connected to those to whom I am ministering?” start to creep in. Can I be a jack-of-all-trades missionary? For this reason I was ecstatic to discover Team Liora would have the chance to work with so many different types of ministries. I thought “Well this is perfect! Surely the Lord will reveal something to me about where my focus might be found this year.” Wrong. That did not happen in even the slightest way.
Here I am at debrief with very few questions answered that I had when I left Atlanta. Vulnerability is an area where I have been challenged by many squad mates over the past six months or so and I have grown exponentially in that area. Several times over the course of the first month I would say something along the lines of “It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be vulnerable” and my teammates would giggle at the fact that that phrase was just uttered by Jen. The reason I mention this is because I want so desperately to not only feel truly vulnerable regarding my own struggles but also feel that same deep vulnerability when it comes to my interactions with others. I am slowly discovering that it is easier for me to empathize with those I’m closest to than to do so with strangers. This frustrates me to no end. I want to hurt the way Jesus hurts for those to whom I am ministering. I want to look at the indescribably poverty I am encountering on a daily basis and feel something more than the shallow recognition that it is terrible people are forced to live this way all over the world. I can honestly say I only cried once this month over something we encountered in ministry and looking back on Uganda I do not feel that I have anything to process regarding the things I saw.
I absolutely realize I am only one month in and God has so much more in store for me over the next year; however, I am petrified that I will never feel deep pain over the things we have seen. I suppose it must sound incredibly strange that I would want to feel these things but I want to walk alongside the Lord in the pain He feels when He sees His children suffer. When our friends suffer we desire to walk with them through the pain because we love them. It is no different with my Father. I want to walk beside Him and suffer with Him because there is no better way to His heart.
In reference to the other topic I am still learning what it looks like to “take a knee” from leadership, which is Army speak for taking a breather. I knew when I left that God was calling me into a season of following and being poured into by others and I believe I have done a good job at being obedient. He has been showing me so much about myself and specifically areas where I can grow because of the community in which I have been living. During moments of tension or frustration I now ask myself “Okay Jennifer, is this your problem and something you need to just accept or is this something that truly needs to be addressed with that individual?” I am so grateful for this lesson because it is changing my perspective on the world and how I interact with those around me. Learning to look at myself first as the possible source of tension as opposed to pointing the finger is not only humbling but very freeing. I honestly feel like some chains of bondage are falling off in this process.
There is not a clear end to this blog because I do not have definite answers in either area. I can say, however, that the Lord is doing His thing with me. Just this morning I had an indescribable desire wash over me to encourage and empower people to walk out their faith in complete courage and joy and this was immediately followed by a picture the Lord gave me of what that might look like. This is the third picture I have received in about a month. One of my spiritual gifts is exhortation so it comes as no surprise that I find joy in encouraging others but the desire and call to do so is becoming stronger. Just a short while later I took a walk with one of my squad coaches and he confirmed what the Lord is stirring in me. The “odd” part of this situation is we had our walk scheduled a full 24 hours beforehand.
God is moving here. He is moving all across my squad and we are begging for more. A quote came out of one of our sessions at debrief. Someone said “Y’all, we are doing the thing! We are on the race!” It stuck and now our impromptu motto is “Doin the thang!” We know our Father does not need us in order to change the world but He wants to use us. He wants to use me so I will continue to press into the challenges He places in my path so He can refine me and use me for His glory.
