Most of you know when I applied for the World Race it had a
lot to do with the fact that I finally slowed down enough to actually listen to
God. And how did I finally do that? By tearing a ligament in my knee so I
couldn’t walk…much less run or do anything active for that
matter. When this happened I had a friend ask me, “How are you
dealing with not being able to run?? You’re a runner…it’s
who you are!” What a wake-up call that was! Who I am?!?
I had put so much time, effort and value into running than I did into my
faith. My self esteem depended so much on my running…if I ran and
had a good workout than it was a good day…I could feel good about
myself. On the flip side, if I didn’t run or had a terrible run
than stay away…I felt terrible about myself.
Fast forward a few months. My therapy was finished, my
brace was off, and I was given the clean bill of health. And you know
what this means…RUNNING! Finally! I vowed to be smart about
it this time. I was going to keep all of the habits I had been doing
which meant constant talks with God, time spent in His word on a daily basis,
being still so I could actually listen for God and hear His voice. This
was going to be good. And it WAS for a while! I had good
balance! Life was great!
But then I got into Grandma’s Half Marathon.
This would be my 5th time running it. My “anniversary year”.
And that meant it had to be a good one! The first 3 races I ran with my mom and we had FUN! Last year I decided to run a little faster which was kind of fun but this year I wanted to run a LOT faster…which I assumed would be really fun! I set up a training plan with one
of my hardcore runner friends and stuck to it. 6 days a week. Sometimes
twice a day. Lifting. Stretching. Eating right. I was
finally feeling strong again! My endurance was getting back to where it
was before I hurt my knee and I was feeling good! But then the inevitable
happened…I went back to the old Jen. I started skipping my quiet
time because I had to get my run in right after work or it would get way too
dark and before bed never happened because I was so tired from all of my
training. Talking to God was like talking to a chair. There was
nothing there. And then my training started to get bad. Runs were
horrible. My legs felt like dead weights. During one run I was so
frustrated I flipped out at my running buddy, took off in the other direction
and stopped by myself, tears streaming down my face. Why wasn’t
this fun? Where was the joy and the excitement? What was wrong with
me?
I decided I was over-training and I needed to take a few days
off. So I did. I took 2 days off and then on the 3rd day
I did a long run with a friend of mine. Nice and slow…which was the
“cure all” in my book. The next day my legs felt heavy STILL
and so I decided to take yet another day off. This was not ideal.
My training was suffering. There was no way I was going to hit my goal if
I kept having to take days off! I was not a happy girl.
And then I realized something. Running is my
idol. I put so much time and effort, sweat and tears into RUNNING.
What have I been doing to get closer to God? Yeah I would go through the
motions of reading my Bible but I was usually so tired I wouldn’t take
time to actually put thought into it. And I know that God doesn’t
want me to give up something I love but he doesn’t want me to love
something else more than him. I need balance. I’m not very good at balance.
The following day I ran. I got home from work, threw
on my running clothes and headed out the door. In my mind I was like, Ok…I get it. Love God more than running. Check. But my run was still not fun. In fact, I got a blood blister. I have never
ever gotten a blood blister from running. It hurt. I got home,
frustrated and mad. Thanks a lot, God! I have my first trail race
in 2 days and now I have to deal with this. And then something hit me…at
least all of my ligaments and muscles and bones are intact! God could
have easily had me sprain an ankle, break a leg, re-tear my MCL or WHATEVER but
instead he just gave me a small blood blister. A small (but painful!)
reminder of the fact that He loves me more than I (usually) love running.
He wants me to put as much effort into my relationship with HIM as I do with
running.
least you KNOW what your idol is”. So true. And to be honest,
I still don’t know how I’m going to balance all of this. But I do know this…I think I finally get it. My heart finally wants to love GOD more than running…or anything else for that matter. I
want to love running again but more than that I want to be growing in my relationship with
God. I don’t want to feel like I’m talking to a chair
anymore.
After writing all of this, I came to this conclusion…
This is my 5th Grandma’s Half Marathon, my anniversary year…when Grandma’s rolls around during my 6th year I will be finishing up the World Race and my mom (and dad!) will be running Grandma’s without me.
What better way to spend my 5th half marathon then the way I spent my first…having fun, laughing and enjoying every step with my mom…and BONUS my dad will be there too.
