I’ve struggled my whole life with five little words that come back to haunt me when I’m least expecting it. These little words ring in my ears, tempting me to be someone I am not. They’ve recently popped back up, especially in the little things.
Earlier this week, my church challenged us to fast, so I decided to do it along with some of my friends. On the day of, I woke up hungry. As I looked around my apartment for breakfast, I had to remind myself that I was fasting. Ugh.
I had an eye doctor appointment that morning. It’s across the street from a Chick-Fil-A.
Mmmmm…. Chick-Fil-A breakfast. But no, I cant. I’m fasting.
I even passed my favorite coffee shop on my way to work this morning. Nope, can’t have it. Resist the temptation, Jennifer!
I was pinned with the question of my motivations for fasting. Why am I doing it? And why haven’t I brought my self-inflicted pain to my Father? … because I think I can handle it myself. I’ll wait until I’m in extreme pain this afternoon to call on my God… was what I thought. I’m going through pain that I can handle myself, and I don’t need God yet!
Let’s pause here to reflect how things that seem so simple actually reveal bigger, rooted things in my life. I tend to think I can handle the “little things” in life and wait until the “bigger things” to ask God for help. But I’m faced with a question: Where is the line between “little things” and “big things”? As little things slowly seem to get bigger and bigger, soon enough little ol’ me is trying to face the entire world all alone.
Resume story:
At lunchtime everyone I could possibly think of was eating lunch at that moment, and I was starving extremely very hungry. I won’t lie, I thought about quitting. I mean, I was only about three hours in to it… I had so far to go! So much that I got in my car and drove to a donut shop I knew would still be open… But on my way I knew that if I gave up, it would all be for nothing and I would not have learned anything.
So, I drove right on passed it, but started justifying going to that coffee shop I passed earlier that morning… On my way to the coffee shop I had the same realization that if I got coffee (because I justified it as not being “food”), I still wouldn’t be learning my lesson. I mean, if I could justify that and tell people I “technically” fasted, what other things in my life am I justifying and lying to myself about?
As I drove back to work, I realized there was an apple crumble pastry sitting in my front seat that my mom had sent home with me.
No one will ever know.
UGH. There were those words! Those five STINKIN’ words that they enemy has subtly slipped into my mind without me realizing it. But this time, I caught him. I caught myself. I realized I was faced with one of two decisions: to follow through with the action and pretend like I fasted, or to ask God for strength to overcome my physical temptation of satisfying my hunger.
Or a third option.
I ate it.
I’m not proud of it. It wasn’t satisfying. And I was only hungrier because it didn’t fill me up.
But this seemingly “little” problem is actually the root of a bigger problem. We are so caught up in how close we can get to something without actually doing it; how close we can get to the line of black and white without crossing it.
Yikes. That one stings a bit. But I didn’t let that one apple crumble mess up the rest of my day. I didn’t say, “Well, I already ate something, guess there’s no use in continuing.” Do you hear the reality of that? The part that is so easy for us to believe? “Well, I messed up this once, God. Guess I should throw the rest of my life away now.” That’s exactly what the enemy wants you to think! There. Is. HOPE. And there is more to life than living in my dirty, prideful, sinful past… There is a future. And there, the enemy has already been defeated. *Holy Ghost bumps*
As far as the whole “nobody will ever know”… Everyone’s going to know.
I’m being completely honest about it with everyone: I had a struggle that I resisted for a while, and then I caved. But afterwards I stood in that cavity and grew from it.
I’ve been down the path those five little words take me, and I’m so done with it! There’s more to life than living up to the person everyone expects you to be, and lying just to uphold that standard. I just want to be who I am in Christ, because that’s all that matters.
