“It’s not about the pillow” I told my teammates as I cried when I left my pillow on the plane. I had just bought te new pillow 12 hrs before and put my towel an blanket inside it. It was a nice comfort to hug.
I was a wreck, tears streaming.
The whole flight I had been praying to God. “You are all powerful you calm the seas and the wind you can calm the turbulence.” I even envisioned God holding the plane in the palm of his hands. He is in control. Shouldn’t that be comforting? I started noticing that I’m still fearing God. I have traveled all over the world, flown dozens of times. I don’t know where this horrible fear comes from.
My squad leader got spiritual with me. She said “Jennie, the closer you get to God the harder Satan is going to stop that.” Why does it have to be so hard to just trust and rest in it.
On this race I’m realizing a lot about myself. I used to be a lot more fun. Silly, goofy, ready to play and have fun. Now I feel like a mom following rules and looking out for people. Two years ago, on a mission trip to Rio, I was not this way. I think I was called the kid on the team because I had that childish fun. I don’t know where that has gone.
I’ve realized since the race started I have had this “suffering servant ” mindset. I can’t really be enjoying this, we need to be doing ministry and not looking for all the fun touristy stuff. But I know in my heart God wants me to have fun. I think he has told me this numerous times and he always says “Jennie it’s your choice. You can be happy and joyful or sad and fearful.” And Ive been letting the latter win out. Satan is stealing my joy with fear and expectations.
Since I’ve been in Thailand the fun has been built in. The first two days our host made us have fun 🙂 It was a relief and very helpful to see that ministry is suppose to be fun and fulfilling.
I am teaching English to a family from Pakistan in Thailand and I get to learn how to sew doll clothes and make jewelry. The ministry employs women to get them out prostitution. This is fun and fulfilling just as it should be.
Sawadee ka
Jennie
