Spring 2014
My application was finally sent. After submitting my application an option popped up on my computer screen to contact an alumni Racer for support and questions. I figured this would be a good idea to get some one-on-one advice about the Race since I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I knew I was all for the Race, it sounded like something I was made for, but I knew nothing about the detail. So, I got in contact with a girl named Ashleigh, who had just returned from her race not long before our conversation. She lived only 10 minutes from me so we actually got to meet up for coffee. I asked endless questions about her Race and asked for advice she could give.
One of the questions I asked was about how the leadership worked. She informed me that team leaders, treasurers, logistic leaders, finances, and by month 4 squad leaders would all be chosen from amongst the squad. This made me feel sick to my stomach and I considered not joining the Race because of it. There was no part of me that ever wanted to lead anything and having the slight possibility of being a leader really freaked me out. I soon ignored it and told myself that I shouldn’t assume I was going to lead. After meeting with her and praying, I decided to still say “yes” and I couldn’t wait to start the Race.
Training Camp!
Leading up to training camp I wasn’t making the best of choices. I kept saying no to what God wanted me to do and I was constantly choosing to live in sin. I began to not want to go on the Race. I had become blinded to the loneliness and sadness I was living in.
At training camp I was completely immersed in His love and grace all week! I was surrounded by the most incredible people, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I had been wasting precious time choosing to run. At the end of the week I was asked to be a team leader. I was completely humbled in that moment from the fact that I had been chosen to team lead. I was scared out of my mind. I had never led anything before. I had no idea what team leading entailed and as far as I could see, there were about 50 people around that would make better leaders than I would.
But I was overwhelmed by His presence and knew this is what He wanted me to do to find dependence on Him. So I said “Yes” to team leading.
MONTH 4
We heard a talk at leadership training before launch about not letting the leadership title become wrapped up in your identity. Rather, let being a leader be part of who you are by the way you live for Christ. This was my prayer from the beginning. I wanted to lead well in my roll, but more importantly, I wanted to learn to lead well so that I would continue to lead when I didn’t have a title. I got a chance to do this month 4. We were now in Swaziland. We got our first team changes at the end of month three and I had been taken out of leadership.
The Lord walked me through some brokenness that month. Living for the Lord is hard. I’d be a liar if I said that drinking and partying wasn’t and isn’t still appealing. There were several days where I wanted to give up because I remembered how easy it was existing day to day before I found the goodness of the Lord.
But only EXISTING, (key word there).
Every day was a fight. I didn’t feel like myself. The Lord was shedding away the old me for good, and it hurt.
However, several people told me how much of an encouragement I was, and how well I challenged them to bring them higher. I saw that I was still leading without the title and still choosing in, even through my brokenness. I saw that God still wanted to use me!
This became a theme in my mind. Even after all that running from Him before the Race, God still wanted to use me.
By the last week of month 4, suddenly there was a shift. I felt like myself again and I was learning new things, new ways to go into conversations. “Don’t talk about yourself until asked.” “Be comfortable with the silence.” “Ask more questions than words of advice.” I asked Him why I was learning this all of a sudden. I wondered if I had missed something in my brokenness, because it wasn’t nearly as emotional as everyone said it would be.
But He soon answered, “I am preparing you.”
“For what?” I asked.
“Leadership.”
” Ok.. I’m going to be team leader again,” I thought.
Then one night the Lord told me it wouldn’t be team leading, it was going to be leading the squad.
Memories of different moments where He had already told me this started flooding through my mind. This included the time all the way back at the coffee shop with Ashleigh after I applied. Moments with friends before the race and teammates in the first few months nonchalantly speaking it over me. This freaked me out so I immediately dismissed every thought and told myself I wasn’t even going to team lead. I convinced myself that it was all in my head, and I was hearing the Lord incorrectly. I really didn’t want pride to get me and start to “assume” I was going to lead. There are so many natural leaders on our squad. I’d be a fool to assume I was going to lead. So I ignored it.
DEBRIEF
Well, month 4 debrief had arrived. It is known that a lot of change comes at month four debrief. This is because month 4 is when new squad leaders are raised up and trained before the alumni squad leaders that are with you go home.
Exactly what Ashleigh had informed me of.
We had made it to Pretoria, South Africa and squad leading kept coming to my mind, but I kept fighting to dismiss the thoughts, I didn’t want to be distracted.
On the second night of debrief, we gathered together as a squad to worship. I closed my eyes and saw my hands out in front of me with my palms up. Leadership was written across my palms. I started shouting out to God from the deepest part of my heart that I don’t need it. It was in my hands, but I didn’t want to grab hold because I wanted to make sure I surrendered it to the Lord, when really I already had. No matter how much I fought for it to go away it remained written across my hands.
“I surrender it to you God. I don’t need it.” I was almost in a state of panic.
Gently, I heard “I know” and the word leadership moved above my head.
Quickly I was still, all thoughts were silenced.
In thas moment I found myself actually wanting leadership. I never thought I’d come to that. Remember, this is the same girl that almost didn’t come on the race at the thought of even the slightest possibility of leading.
Leadership then moved from my head to a clean glass sitting beside me.
This was a glass the Lord had placed in front of me the month prior. He used it as an image to restart building my identity in Him. He told me I had an empty glass. It was going to be filled with the most refreshing, tasteful, and energizing drink. But He would add the ingredients as time went by. Those ingredients being characteristics and things He’s placed in me. The final product of the drink is who I am. Who He created me to be and those are all things I get from Him. Characteristics I attain from being His daughter. It’s refreshing for me to drink from and for others around me to drink from.
Leadership was the first ingredient!
Immediately after worship Danielle, one of our alumni squad leaders pulled me aside to talk. She went into the conversation encouraging me in how she’s seen me grow. By simply being me, I lead. I’ve learned to lead without the title and they wanted me to squad lead. Myself and two others from my squad would be taking her and our other two alumni squad leaders place in leading the squad.
I was overwhelmed with Joy! Not only because I was honored and humbled, again that I was one chosen for this roll, but because all this time, I heard the Lord asking me Himself. And hearing from the Lord just never gets old! This was all confirmation.
I said, “Yes” to squad leading even though I didn’t have even a lick of knowledge of what it entailed.
I had said “yes” the moment I chose not to run because of my fear of leading in the race.
God was doing a work in me to actually want it. To want it in a way that didn’t make me rely on the title, but to rely on Him in everything! To become a disciple of Christ and lead the church by pointing my eyes and those around me to Him daily! This is something I truly WANT to do now because I see that as a follower of Christ, is who I am created to be.
Present Day
Everyday I am reminded of moments that I couldn’t see God because of the choices I was making. Yet, He was still there making it something good to help prepare me. Even when I was running from Him He didn’t lose faith in me, He still fought for me to live out who He created me to be.
No leader will be perfect. For no person is perfect. If leading means you have to have everything together and walk a perfect life well… sorry, but NO one is eligible. It’s the blind leading the blind down here. But when you ask for the eyes to see the way God does, you become a vessel to bring His people back.
Realizing this woke me up to walk in confidence as a leader. I was afraid to say yes because I was only focused on the wrong choices I had made, and saw myself not worthy of leadership. I was missing the fact that because I said “Yes!”to learning dependence and trust, it made room in my heart for a miraculous change to be done by the Lord.
