Ever since I committed to the WR I’ve felt like my days are numbered, sometimes I feel like I'm dying in September. Not in a morbid way, it feels more like I'm dying to Knoxville. I started packing away my sweaters and I thought that I won't be wearing those again for over a year….Then I started thinking that I won't get to see another fall in Knoxville for a long time which is my favorite. And then I remembered that this was my last Spring Break…Then I start thinking of all the things I have to do before I leave my life here for a little while, like spending time with family/friends, enjoying the luxuries of life, etc…
But perhaps I'm missing the point. Instead of dying to Knoxville, maybe I'm dying to myself instead. Finally dying to myself. Throughout my life I've made many decisions and some sacrifices… yet most of them had selfish intent. Committing my life to go on the World Race is the first decision I'm confident that I haven't made out of selfish intent and that feels amazing, it feels freeing. I’m finally dying to myself, to my dreams, to my desires, to my fears….This is nothing that I would've chosen to do and the feeling that I'm sacrificing this for the sake of the lover of my soul makes it already worth every bit of pain, sadness, exhaustion, and homesickness I'm going to experience.
But when you truly die to yourself, isn't that when your able to fully live?
Lately, I’ve been thinking about the many things I could be doing next year.
I could find a job and be making money rather than having to ask for it.
I could continue doing Young Life at Farragut, something which brings me joy.
I could be diving deeper into the friendships that I have….
But I’m not, I’m dying to the things I thought I would be doing and I’m doing something which turned out to be the longing of my heart.
Cheers to living FULLY and basking in the love of my Father
Check out this song, Josh Garrels knocks my socks off….You have to look up the lyrics and read them as you listen because it’s packed with beauty…
My favorite is the chorus:
“You must die, to be set free, living in the kingdom of God eternally” Amen
