This past month has seemed like an endless rollercoaster that I can’t control. I get really excited about small progression only to be followed by no movement in either way, no positive or negative, just the same. I have put in countless hours of sending emails, support letters, researching gear, contacting people about events, talking to friends, pastors and children(children?) constantly and have felt like I’m spinning in circles! I have been stressed and worried about my financial deadlines and being prepared for my training camp that I’ve missed the love others have extended out to me. Even though I haven’t met my goal I still have had so many people show me support and feel so touched that people care about God moving in me. But I have missed the moments of children in my class wanting my attention, in a moment that seems inconvenient, and didn’t show them the love they deserved. Instead I just talked at them instead of with them because I have been so inwardly focused on my own needs, I haven’t been the true person I have been created to be, to “do to others as I would like them to do to me” luke 6:31 to serve their needs not my own. I have neglected friendships in a frenzy to “do” more, send more letters, brainstorm more ideas on fundraisers, and make endless lists of all the things I “need” to do to be fully ready to leave in September. It’s as if I became out of touch with our Lords endless power, knowing full well he could provide but saw no change in my time and became impatient. In this season of frustration I was gently showed the story of Abraham about a hand full of times. What kept speaking to me was how even though God gave Abraham a clear promise and covenant Abraham still was trying to “help” God fulfill this promise by doing more because he didn’t know when he would receive a son. I felt so similar lately, I don’t know how God’s going to provide so I have been exhausting my efforts in worry and isolation, causing neglect to those who are truly supportive ,loving and interested in my mission. Ever been there?
It truly hit me a few nights ago as a friend prayed over me the words ” she will never be ready, but all she can do is answer your call” so simple, yet how piercing they were. There is no need in exhausting my thoughts when my Abba has it covered. How selfish to think I can do anything to “help” our almighty at his work and sacrifice loved ones in that process. What a release and comfort that fell over me in that moment, “this is taken care of” was what resonated in me. I mean many people have said these words to me that last few weeks and I listened quietly, but brushed it off because I couldn’t see it. How this time the words truly carried meaning and all the stress I ve carried recently was fully lifted. If you have been at the receiving end of my lack of empathy, vulnerability and just down right lack of love I’m truly sorry for this neglect. I’m such a work in progress and need reminded by our father so often, ohh how grace comforts my soul! Thanks for listening friends! Much Love
