As the weeks tick down and I think of leaving in September, my mind wanders to past events in my life. I think of moving, of being uprooted, and the two separate occasions which greatly defined my life and who I’ve become.
When I was 12 and about to start junior high, my family moved from Lincoln, California to a suburb of Seattle, Washington. We packed up all of our belongings, and road-tripped up the west coast that summer. Little did I know that would be the beginning. A mere five years later, in the middle of my junior year of school, we moved again – this time to Minnesota. Welcome Californian girl to the freezing tundra of the Midwest. According to Google maps the distance between my houses in Puyallup, WA and Roseville, MN is 1679 miles. You can span most of Europe in that (from Berlin to Cordoba).
So, you might ask – What does this have to do with the Race? Why is this important? You might be saying, “Jenna, you moved, but that was 4 years ago. What’s your point ?” My point is, I’m seeing now how moving has greatly affected how I view God. It has made me question his faithfulness. It has affected how I view friendships. It's affected to what degree I trust people to stick around for the long-haul.
I find myself wrestling with leaving in September. It's what I desire, it's what I know is next for me, and I'm excited to follow the Lord and embark on this journey. I don't doubt that I'm supposed to go, that it will affect my life, or that people will be changed. What I find myself doubting at times is that people back home will still care a year from now. My experience from moving tells me that they won't.
To be honest – that sometimes scares me.
It scares me more than the idea of eating bugs, or jumping off a cliff, or living out of a backpack. In these past few weeks since being accepted to the WR – Sept '11 squad, I've wrestled with this more than anything else. I'm torn. A part of me says "You might as well give up on the friendship, it won't be here in a year." Another part is so clingy, so needy that it wants every waking moment with these people so that maybe they'll still be here when I get back. Neither is healthy. Neither of these views reflects trust or a right attitude towards friendship. I should neither give up on them, nor smother them in an attempt to protect myself from being hurt again.
As these moments come up, the Father gently comes to me and reminds me of his love, his faithfulness, his promise. Isaiah 41.10 says "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Though I sometimes project the failings of humans on God, when I return to his Word, he shows me who he is. He is faithful, yesterday, today, and for all time. His promises? They are certain; he will keep them. The Psalms say he is abounding in faithfulness in all he does. Jeremiah 29.11 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" He promises to be with me, to not leave nor forsake me. And that's more than enough.
Everywhere I turn, as I process through the downsides of moving, I see the good. I see His hand in it all, and realize that He knew what He was doing all along (duh Jenna!). Without moving, I probably wouldn't be as adventurous. I wouldn't know what it's like to be on the outside; I might not desire to see others included because I've been in their shoes. I wouldn't have ended up in Madison for college. Without Madison, maybe I would have never heard of Campus Crusade, never realized what I was missing in the Lord, never been involved in college ministry. My entire life would be different.
So today, I praise Him for the changes. I thank Him for always being there, for never leaving. I'll trust Him to guide me in how to navigate my friendships, and my distrust. I'll put my hope in Him, and not base my worth on people's opinions and devotion. The Father is good.
