Almost all my life I’ve been a Christian. I started going to church when I was four, I went to Sunday school and was even in the Christmas play every year until I was eleven. However, My relationship with the Lord wasn’t really there. I first became “saved” when I was at a Christian camp called Hidden Acres (hands down best place on Earth, just saying) and it was mostly just me being like “Oh I’m not really a Christian unless I say this prayer” and then continuing on my merry way. It wasn’t until I started getting older that I started to understand what it meant to be a Christian. When I was eleven or twelve I re-dedicated my life and not too long after got baptized. The baptism was mostly because I thought I needed to not because I wanted to. Getting into youth group was great, I would go to one or two different youth trips or conferences a year and at those trips or conferences I would get a spiritual high for a week or so and get back into a going-with-the-motions lifestyle and feel unsatisfied unless I was at youth group or one of those retreats. I was often pressured to become more involved with the youth group, even when I felt like I wasn’t spiritually there. Yet I would find myself doing things that should’ve been done for no other reason than because I wanted to serve the Lord. Looking back on those moments, I did a lot of it to try and earn the approval of a youth pastor or a parent. So they would be proud of me. The painful truth was that I spent the majority of my time being a Christian was trying to impress others and not growing in a relationship with God and dwelling in who He is and who I am in Him because of it.
This last year the Lord has taught me a lot about what it means and looks like when we truly have a relationship with Him and the life changing things that happen with that. That being a Christian isn’t just saying you believe in what He did for us and having some knowledge of the Bible.. It’s a beautiful, unexplainable relationship with the creator of the universe who loves us more than anyone ever could and wants to spend an eternity with us, and that’s what sets Christianity apart. It’s not just a religion, it’s a relationship. A relationship I never fully gripped. . This Father/Daughter image and just having an identity in Christ in general was painted and finally brought to my attention in all its awesomeness at training camp. How though I believed in the Lord and knew his attributes, had the knowledge of what the Gospel was, knew what was right and wrong, etc. I never truly felt that unexplainable joy, love and peace the Lord gives. I never felt what it was like to have that relationship and feel his presence with you, no matter where you are. The concept of the Holy Spirit wasn’t really something I had a good grasp of.
Thankfully, we get the great honor of serving a loving Father who shows us and teaches us exactly what we need in his perfect timing.
At training camp, the middle of the week was focused on vulnerability and intimacy with the Lord. In the midst of these days, the Lord showed me what it felt like to truly have a relationship with Him and our identity be found in Him.
When we were learning about women’s ministry, we did an activity where we would pray about a question and whatever image or word the Lord would give us, we’d draw it out. The question was “Who is God to you?” and I had a typical sunday school answer in mind, until I actually started to pray about it. As I prayed God gave me a image of a mountain. The mountain represented God, how I thought he was big and majestic, peaceful, all powerful and amazing. Yet at the same time, kind of scary. The top of the mountain was the point of feeling the love and affection of God, like that tender side existed and I was aware of it. I just couldn’t reach it.
The next day we went through more sessions about intimacy with the Lord and learning about listening prayer and were asked a similar question. After some listening prayer, I kept getting a picture of a mug of hot chocolate. At first I was confused. I couldn’t stop thinking about how silly that was until God gently nudged me and made me realize that everything that I associate a mug of hot chocolate with, I want to associate God with too. That being said, when I think of hot chocolate I think of being warm and cozy. Being filled with warmth, especially on the coldest of days and the fact that I have some super cute mugs I use for those cold Iowa winters we get. Really thinking about the first few things I generally relate back to hot chocolate, I realized it was true. I wanted to have that warm and cozy feeling of my Father’s love and being filled to the brim with it.
The next day of listening prayer was an intense one, we all got to see and feel the Holy Spirit move in ways that I had only heard of and had never experienced before in my life. We had spent time in listening prayer and I kept getting this image of a sunflower growing and the color yellow. I was super confused by getting a color but then I felt the Lord say “This is the next season of your life” and I was very confused. After thinking on it, I finally came to the realization that when I think of the color yellow, I associate it with feelings of joy and happiness. My squad leader also pointed out to me that sunflowers follow the direction the sun, to which she heard God say “follows the direction of the Son” which connected all the dots between the two. Plus it was a play on words and I love that kind of thing. He definitely knows how to speak to us in ways that will get our attention.
Those moments and all the sessions in between revealed to me all that God is as a Papa and how tenderly he loves his children. That while He is like a mountain range -majestic, powerful, big, unshakeable- He is also like a mug of hot chocolate -He fills us with His love, joy and peace, comforts us, especially on bad days, and He’s so sweet to us. He has given us the gift of the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit is a gentleman. He speaks to us in a way that we understand and fills us with the presence of our Father. Thinking about how loved I am as His child and that he will treat me greater than any man on this Earth was so comforting.
Looking into my past, my relationships with my parents and people I considered to be father or mother figures weren’t great relationships at all. It was a relationship of me trying to earn affection and sometimes there was an element of fear. I believe that made it hard for me to believe that the tender side of Papa was there and that I didn’t have to do anything to earn His approval or could do anything to lose it, for that matter.
When I first heard people start referring to God as Papa, I thought it was a little odd. I believe it was because I didn’t truly have that relationship with Him. I only saw Him as big and powerful, not that I have been adopted by the creator and that nothing can strip that away. Now that I’m finally stepping into my identity as His daughter, I can finally see why people would want to do that. Papa is such a tender word and makes the relationship with Him feel all the more real to me. Papa loves me just as I am. He designed me and created me in His image. I never have to fear that I won’t be good enough or be rejected. I’ve finally been able to be my own and not to impress others. Because the only person’s opinion I have to worry about is Papa’s, and He’s adored me since day one.
“I’m no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God. I am surrounded By the arms of the father…We’ve been liberated,From our bondage.We’re the sons and the daughters, Let us sing our freedom”
