Welcome back, my dear friends and family.
I bet you are wondering why you are reading a blog post on a page that got deleted. About a trip you were told I backed out of.
In a moment of honesty and vulnerability let me explain what happened.
Well as most of you know I did back out. This past March. Yet I know a God of redemption and forgiveness and He has decided to give me a second chance.
I was initially very elated to be launching on my adventure around the world. And if you told me I would have dropped out a month later I would have rolled me eyes at you. Thinking I was indestructible and firm in my resolve.
You see it’s rather ironic how the minute one doubt crept in I suddenly began to question my initial decision to go at all. It was like I was looking for a way out. And to be completely blunt, I was.
There were many questions and temptations I was presented with this past semester. It was almost as if I was in the place of Peter. And Jesus was questioning me saying, “Do you love me?” And honestly my actions rang out louder then any of my “honest” prayers did. My answer was a terrible one… Indifference.
I was presented with romance, security, and the ability to live a lukewarm life. Where nothing touched me and nothing bothered me because I was still going to mass and praying.
So that is just what I did. I sought safety and security looking for easier career paths. I plunged headfirst into a relationship hoping it would distract me from the brutal fact that I was not being honest with myself. And I still went to mass, I still prayed. But I was empty, I was indifferent, I was lukewarm.
You see I have this theory. We can our whole lives without being honest with ourselves. And it’s easy! It’s comfortable. Convience is a tempting path to walk.
Being honest down to our very core hurts. When we chose to be honest the wounds open up, the blood pours forth. We become exposed.
It is in our moment of exposure that we can begin to weep with Jesus. It is on the cross that we see the ultimate exposure. We see a man with average stature, nothing very special about his physical appearance. As Isaiah 53 says, “He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in His appearance that we should desire Him.” This chapter goes on to point out in such a profound way the exposure of Jesus on the cross (and yes this is my favorite passage sorry not sorry). Verse 3 says, “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering….He was despised, and we esteemed Him not.”
You see our bloody exposure is something we ought not to be so afraid of. It is there that we learn the heart of Jesus, it is there that the healing begins.
We become so completely hopeless that we have no other choice but to look to the one who is Hope.
Life as a follower of Jesus is a series of beautiful, brutal, breathtaking exposures of the heart that leave us rocked to the core and force us to abandon all.
So moving forward from a season of exposure I only hope to move into another one. I know this trip will mean nothing if I don’t have the courage to bleed.
I visited one of my dear friends recently and while in conversation with her and her husband they pointed out something so thought provoking to me. Her husband said, “the Devils biggest lie is that we have time.”
I rested in this thought days after the conversation was over and I began to realize how true this statement is. The devil tells us “it’s okay you don’t need to expose your heart now, stay in your comfortable place, keep going through the motions… It’s easy… You can do all that work in a couple months… You are fine in your relationship with God… You don’t need to grow at this moment.”
What a load of crap. But wow is that an easy thing to believe. I know I have many times. I know I was practically dancing with the devil and singing these words the last semester of college.
So as I move forward with this trip I am embracing the idea of exposure, to the Lord. Letting my heart bleed heavily and openly for His so that as the great physician He can do the work in rebuilding my soul.
I will leave in January of 2016, to go to 11 countries. In 11 months. I will be serving, loving, and caring for as many people as I can. Not by my strength but by the Lords, working through my exposed soul. Hoping that others would come to know the truth. That it is okay to not be okay. That there is beauty in deafening darkness. That there is one who can save, if we only let Him.
I don’t claim to know all the answers. In fact the more I learn about Jesus the more I realize I have yet to know. I am broken, I am weak, I am a bloody mess sometimes. But He is doing His beautiful work.
In order to make this trip happen I need your help, financially and spiritually. The link to donate is on the left and anything helps.
I love you all deeply. For all of you have played a unique role in getting me to this place in my life (even if you don’t think so I guarantee you have.) sometimes the smallest things leave the greatest impact.
So as we move on with our day and continue our routine, let us walk forward in life with bleeding hearts. Exposed. Open to healing.
Just like a man we know and love, how gave it all so that we might live.
*please note, the fundraising page is not completely set up yet so it may be a few days before it works properly
