As we left Peru on our way to our third month of ministry in Caranavi, Bolivia, the song, “Lay Me Down,” by Steven Curtis Chapman came on my phone. I’ve heard this song only a bazillion times, yet I kept finding myself hitting repeat over and over again. I felt God telling me that this was going to be a month of sacrifices. When we arrived at our host house, they told us about the ministries: orphanage, teaching in the school, and soup kitchen. Only three could go to the orphanage, 2 in the school, and 2 in the kitchen. They gave us time as a team to decide as we went upstairs.
Our team leader prayed and then took a piece of paper, split it up into 7 pieces, and gave us each a piece. She said that we were going to spend some time listening to God, then we would write down what ministry we felt Him calling us towards. I prayed and prayed but wasn’t really getting a clear answer. I could hear my own mind racing, “orphanage”. Just write down orphanage, come up with anything that could challenge me to that and explain to the team how God would work in me through this experience. How Spiritual it would be of me. I couldn’t get over how I didn’t feel peace about it. I asked God about the other jobs…still no answer. “Ok, God I’m listening…any day now…Spirit, if you don’t move in me soon, I’m not gonna have anything to write down, and I’ll have to just take what’s left.” I felt an overwhelming peace as I softly heard God answer, “yes.” What seemed so easy, felt so hard. My task for just this moment of team time was literally to not write anything. How often does God ask us to do nothing??? What was merely minutes while the rest of my team prayed, felt like hours as I watched them all write down their positions they believed God was leading them towards this month. Just write down “orphanage” and throw in some spiritual words of why God wants me there…it’s not like they can doubt the Spirit, right? I felt God tug on my heart, reminding me that He is for me, He has good plans for me, and that where He wants me is the most rewarding place to be.
I started wondering why this was so hard for me when I realized how much of a symbol of every day life this is. How is this not me with The Lord??? So much of the time I let my mind take over and do what I think is the right thing to do, what my parents think is the right thing to do, what Christians would think is the right thing to do. I even abuse my spiritual desires before consulting The Lord. “Yes, God, I will hold that adorable African child and post pictures on Facebook in honor of my surrenderence.”Not that this is a bad ministry and I know God will use the three that are going in amazing ways. And not that these are bad desires, but so often I put words and wills in Gods mouth when I think day to day He’s really just calling me to be all ears, all surrendering, and vulnerable: a blank piece of paper.
After all the ministries were chosen, I found myself with the ministry of teaching in the school. We’ve already had several days of teaching. We teach about six hour and a half long classes each day and working in the soup kitchen during lunch. And it’s been awesome. Especially listening to the their questions of what it’s like in America: “Is it true that most movies come from the U.S?” “Is it clean?” “Do you know Justin Bieber?” “Have you ever met Justin Bieber?” “Do you live close to Justin Bieber?” “Have you ever been to a Justin Bieber concert?” My Spanish was rusty, but I was still able to understand for the most part and unbrainwash their minds. So teachings been awesome. (And it was my next desired choice…even though I couldn’t get over how God didn’t give me what I was so convinced He wanted for me…or maybe it was just what I wanted?). I went outside and prayed. On the Race, I’m on the worship track which means I help lead worship for the squad whenever asked or called. I started thinking of all that goes into worship. Not just the instruments, the harmony, the melody, the leadership, the PRACTICE, but the mindset. The humility. The heart surrendered. I envisioned myself when in worship. My eyes close, hands go up, heart opens, and I feel the presence of God. What a vast contrast God must see in so many areas of my everyday life. My eyes are open, but not looking for what God sees. My hands go down, not ready to be used. My heart closes, not wanting to feel what He feels. And then I question why I don’t feel His presence at times? I mean I pray for the Spirit to lead me, but it’s usually followed with, “but don’t make me look crazy!!!”
As I started realizing more and more why God had told me this would be a month of sacrifices, I saw so many areas of my life that I still hadn’t surrendered to God. SO many areas that I lived and acted like the world. So many areas that honestly I still liked. I cried as I blurted out all the things I had been holding onto to God. “God, why is this so hard? How can I sing that You satisfy me when I obviously don’t live like You do? Why am I still not willing to give these things up? Especially after seeing so many hurting? So many who don’t even have an option to give up, because they don’t have anything to?”
Regardless of my stubbornness, I still felt Gods persistent grace. Being so tempted to give up on myself, I still heard Gods voice unwilling to leave or let me go. I wish I could say that this is where I gave it all to God…but I’m still working on that. I wish this blog was about a lesson learned, but it’s more like a life I’m learning.
So here’s to Bolivia and a month of sacrifices! Here’s to God and a lifetime of surrendering! I hope I give more before Heaven :/
Cheers.
He has called me higher,
Jenn
