Okay, first blog here. How to be Yours. Something that I have always struggled with in my whole 22 years of life is……….drum roll please…. allowing others to love me. Crazy right?
When I was just in the 2nd grade my mother left. I won’t get into the gory details of the divorce, however, as tough as I want to seem and as incredible as my family is, it left some holes in my world. I can’t ever remember thinking if I wasn’t good enough or if it was my fault. I do remember that being a turning point in my life in terms of love. My WHOLE family did an outstanding job to make sure that my brothers and I never did without, never missed out, never felt abandoned and were always safe.
As a 7 or 8 year old little girl I was more confused than anything. I never felt unloved. I believe that this was when I began to love hard. When someone loves hard it can be both a positive and a negative thing. On the upside, when I love you hard, there is absolutely nothing that you can say or do to run away from that love. See that use of words. RUN AWAY. My mother walking out caused a fear that everything in my life was destined to leave. That I for whatever reason didn’t deserve the love that I was willing to offer. That I would eventually have to settle for “good enough” Good enough friends. Good enough jobs. Good enough relationships.
I lived most of my life believing that my very best was always going to be just “good enough”. I grew up in church and going to camps. I spent a lot of my time having a tug a war with God. He was saying don’t settle and I was saying it’s okay God this is “good enough”. This mindset and this battle was causing me to run away from God. I was scared that what He was trying to tell me not to settle for was the best it was going to get.
I went through a period of time where I ignored God. I found comfort and validation in people. The fact that I am outgoing and fun attracted all kinds of people. I found comfort in them knowing that they were “good enough” and as long as I was the life of the party, they weren’t going anywhere.
When you are young and you go through something that changes the way that you view yourself, it becomes part of your identity. I began to change my crowd. I started looking for something real and something genuine. As I found these things and people in my life it was easy to redirect the “good enough” statement. Now, it was they are more than enough, but how could I ever be….. “good enough”.
Friends this is such a huge hole that I dug myself so deep into. The first people willing to walk into my life and make me feel more than “good enough” I clung to them like a leach. I did and said and acted in ways that I was sure would please them. I was terrified that they would run away.
I ended up changing so much of myself that I didn’t even recognize who was staring back at me in the mirror. Several events took place in my life and I ended up moving home. I cut off everyone in my life. Friends and family. I was depressed. I thought to myself, “Jen how did you get here? Why did you do this to yourself? What were you thinking?”
I was determined to reclaim my life. I remember praying every single day for joy. That if God would just give me a glimpse of true joy that I could take that and run with it. Once I reclaimed my joy, I started praying “God just give me one person to love again”. Emma if you read this, you and your kind spirit breathed life into me again. It didn’t end there. I continued to struggle with how I allowed people in my life. Eventually, I got back into church. I started hanging out with people who valued me for my heart not for my head.
People who challenged me to see myself the way they saw me. People who in the midst of my poor choices continued to see that I was only acting “good enough”. My best friend in the entire world is a man named Matthew. Matthew started to talk to me about value. These conversations stirred up conversations in my prayer life. Over a 6 month period I was completely convicted and transformed.
The church that I as attending at the time had noon prayer. You could come in for an hour as they played worship music and just be in the presence of the Lord. You could just come with all the brokenness and nobody would know or care. My second ever noon prayer I went in just seeking Gods face. Just begging on my knees that He show up in that moment. My eyes were closed and my hands were folded and all I can remember is how seriously focused I was on His face. The words “good enough” would not stop running through my head. It was like somebody had copy and pasted them over and over again on a giant screen that I couldn’t look away from. After an hour of prayer I literally heard the words “Be Mine”.
I left noon prayer feeling like a whack job. I was like there is no way I heard that. There are voices in my head and the next step is to schedule and appointment with a psychiatrist. I called everyone I knew asking them about tangible encounters with God and if that was something that could really happen? All 20 phone calls ended or began with tears. People who had watched me struggle and people who had just been overjoyed by God showing up in my life.
Once confirmed that I was not insane, I had to ask myself, “what does it look like to be Gods”. At this point in my life I just figured out how to be me. How to be Yours. How to be Yours. Then like God does I was driving to work discouraged and ready to give up on being anybodys the song “How To Be Yours” by Chris Renzema started screaming through my car speakers. The lyric “You say that You love me, don’t say that You love me cause I don’t know how to be Yours.” Listen guys, I have never in my life cried so many tears from just the first line of a song.
So, to wrap up this blog, how do I be His. All of the love that I have to give. All of the fears that I may try to hide. All of the hopes and dreams that live in my brain. He knows. He has known. He will always know. The first step in learning how to be Gods is by removing all fear of the awful words “good enough”. To God you are so perfectly crafted. The very popular verse that comes to mind is Psalm 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
I am here to tell you that is a process. It is not easy. I am still working on it, however, stop giving so much of yourself up to things and people who you can not rely on. To walk in the love and the light of the Almighty is a walk that will not grow dark. To just sit back and allow Him to love you. To accept His love and to walk in that love as you love others is a journey that fulfills everyday. YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH.
Learn what that looks like for you and your life. Pray about it. Meditate. It is still a major growing process in my life. One thing that I never question, this love isn’t running away. I cannot act a certain way, look a certain way, say things, or be somebody who isn’t loved by my God. It comes without expectation and without stipulation. It comes and is present only to uplift me and continue to build a confidence that will look any temptation or fear in the eye and laugh.
Learning how to be Yours was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
