It started in India, when my beautiful host mom Hulda told me that the thing she was going to remember about me was that I was beautiful.
(I like to surround myself with beautiful people, and these people certainly are beautiful!)
Hulda = beautiful
In Nepal a woman who lived at Asha Nepal told the girls and I that we were beautiful several times a day. In Thailand random strangers told me I was beautiful.
Just to be clear, I’m not telling you these things to say, “hey hey hey, some people called me beautiful, look at me.” I’m telling you because I truly believe that God has spent the past eleven months relentlessly pursuing me. I believe He wanted me to start to see myself as He sees me, and was using encouragement from others to get the point across. Any changes in me have been the work of my Creator, not people. And so just as I’ve been writing about what He’s been doing in the world, I wanted to write about what He’s been doing in me.
In Malaysia the messages started to come from my teammates and squad mates. Some people even told me that I seemed to be getting more beautiful as the Race went on. I think this makes sense. I feel like joy can make a person look more beautiful, and I have experienced so much joy on this trip. I also think that as the months have progressed I have opened up more and more and become so much more comfortable with who I am. I think that as I started to unwind and open up, the light of Christ that is in me was able to flow out a lot more easily, and that shows up on the outside. I love Jesus so much, I love that this year He has fulfilled a dream that has been on my heart for the last 16 years. I love that He is faithful and relentless in His pursuit of me. My heart, my heart has been so at peace, so at home during various parts of this journey, and I think that changes a person.
This is one of my very favorite photos from the entire race. It’s me, doing something I love to do. I feel beautiful in it. In the moment this photo was taken, I felt that I was doing exactly what my heart had been created to do. And I think when your heart is at home, it shows up as beauty on the outside.
Somewhere along the line I got some new glasses and cut my hair, which also changed my appearance. I think the outward changes I made were a reflection of the changes happening on the inside. The me in pictures from the beginning of this race looks so young!
(The beautiful Cassie and I in Nepal, month two)
I’ve gone through a lot since then, but that’s not the only reason I look more grown up now. Before this trip, my style was more of a reflection of what I felt people thought I was like and should be like: quiet, innocent, sweet, good Jen from South Dakota. I was imprisoned inside of these expectations. I was so scared to deviate from what people thought I should be, so scared of disappointing people, afraid of stepping out of line for even one second and losing all favor. The description isn’t even all that off. I am many of these things sometimes. But it’s not ALL who I am. I can be loud and goofy and crazy and, as I’ve only recently started to learn, I can be creative and funny. I am stronger than people give me credit for. I have a voice. I feel like I look more like “me” than I have for a long time. I am also a human being who makes mistakes. But here’s something God has shown me about people pleasers on this race: I don’t have to be one. When I fear men I am forgetting God. And that knowledge has given me so much freedom.
Me on the day I left for the race, and me in Vietnam. These two girls look, and feel, like two completely different people to me. And they kind of are. The first girl has so much social anxiety, so much fear, has a very hard time speaking her mind, and is unsure of who she is. It’s hard for her to be herself because she’s worried people won’t like her. Her mind is primarily preoccupied with lies that she’s picked up over the years. The other girl is more comfortable in her skin than she’s ever been in her life. Her heart is happy, because it’s doing what it was created to do, and I think that shows on the outside. She’s starting to believe she’s beautiful, starting to find value in who she is. She’s starting to believe that people like her, that she is seen. The lies are beginning to melt away and she’s starting to become more secure in the truth.
(Please read part four next!)
