A Beautiful Year: Part Five

 
So it turns out that I’ve been lied to my entire life. Or been lying to myself. And honestly as I was typing out that list I thought for a moment, “Oh goodness, I shouldn’t do this. People are going to think that I am super full of myself. Maybe I shouldn’t actually think these things about myself either, that’s probably vain.”
 
But you know what? These things are TRUE. So I’m going to write them. I’m going to think them.
 
Sometimes I think that we are our own worst enemy. We’ve been trained to not like ourselves. I have always thought that calling myself beautiful would be considered vain or self-centered. But standing in front of a mirror and saying, “I’m beautiful” is not wrong because it is TRUTH. It is truth for every single person reading this blog.
 
Cassie and I have been together this entire race, and we’ve had lots of conversations about beauty and body image along the way. She said something to me the other day that I have never considered before. While I have always thought calling myself beautiful would be self-centered, she pointed out that looking in the mirror and frowning and searching for flaws was even more self-centered. When I do that I’m still focusing on me, I’m still obsessed with myself, just in a negative way. True humility is acknowledging the fact that I am beautiful, because when I do that I’m submitting and acknowledging truth.
 
So what do I do with this new information about myself? It’s given me a whole lot more confidence, that’s for sure. Do I always believe it? Absolutely not. I still often burst into laughter when someone gives me a compliment. But I’m trying not to. And I’m trying to remember that just because I don’t believe something, doesn’t make it not true. Some things are just true, like the fact that I am beautiful. Like the fact that you are beautiful.
 
I’m trying to tell myself I’m beautiful every time I look in the mirror, whether I believe it or not in that moment. But you know what? There have actually been times that I have seen my face in the mirror and truly believed that I am beautiful. It’s a HUGE step for me, and those moments are coming more frequently. I know that God is working on this.
 
I’m also trying to change the way I talk about beauty. I’m trying to not pick apart my appearance out loud because I feel it only encourages other women to do the same. I’m also trying to not pick apart my appearance silently, either, and God is causing me to be getting much better at this. I’m also trying to give compliments like this. “Your hair is beautiful!” And NOT like this, “I wish I had your hair!” I can appreciate someone else’s beauty without losing any of mine. It’s not like there is some finite supply of beauty, where one person being pretty drains the supply and makes everyone a little less beautiful. That’s not how it works.
 
Why is it we so often can see beauty in everyone but ourselves? Why is it my sisters can pick apart their appearance in the mirror, when I see absolutely no flaws in them? This is a mystery to me, but again something God is working on.

These women = beautiful

These kids = beautiful 

My sweet B = beautiful 

These women = beautiful 

 
I am beginning to see myself as beautiful. I am able to look at pictures of myself and smile, rather than begin to notice flaws. God truly has weeded out lies that have plagued me my entire life, and showered me in an abundance of love. I feel more freedom today than at any other point in my life. It’s still a battle at times, but It’s easier to believe I’m going to win. It’s amazing how, when your mind isn’t so occupied fighting lies, you have so much more time for other thoughts and ideas. I remember back to Nepal, when I was so plagued with lies, and I thought I would never gain the freedom I was craving. Let that be a lesson to myself: God does answer prayer. He is working in me. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it.
 
The World Race will not fix you. It isn’t some quest to eat, pray, and love your way to a better you. If anything, the problems that you’ve had your whole life might only seem magnified here. I didn’t really care for “The Sun Also Rises” when I had to read it in college, but I’ve learned that this little chunk is pretty spot on:  “Going to another country doesn’t make any difference. I’ve tried all that. You can’t get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. There’s nothing to that.” 
 
No, the World Race will not fix you. But God will. Just ask Him, He’s pretty cool and faithful like that.
 
And that’s beautiful. 

These two are beautiful. 

Ieva is beautiful. 

This sunset is beautiful. 

These women are beautiful. 

She is beautiful. 

I am beautiful! Here: 

And here: 

And here: 

Thank You, Lord, for a beautiful year. You are so good!