Yes, God. You have my yes.
I was baptized when I was 8, but I did it just because I knew it was the “next step” in faith. “Oh I’m a Christian and that means you get baptized, okay I’ll do that.” But I definitely didn’t know what it fully meant; and I definitely didn’t know the God I did then as I do now.
In Guatemala God has been teaching me, without me even realizing, that I want to give Him my full yes. I realized, I don’t want to live without Him. I don’t want to live a life that is not in line with Him, where He isn’t a part of my everyday, where I don’t see Him as my beloved. I just can’t. I have tasted and I’ve seen His goodness despite circumstance (psalm 34:8), despite feelings, His unchanging and never ceasing love has been poured out on me (James 1:17). I have an identity that is steady because it rests in Him, and He never changes. I really realized I can’t live without Him, there’s no part of me I don’t want to give to Him; because I know He makes beauty out of all of my faults (Isaiah 61:3).
I have been wrestling with what Abba wants me to do after the race. I felt Him open a door, and close some other ones, and I was digging and asking Him where He wanted me. I got up on a Sunday morning and sat out in the field and asked Him, “God, where do you want me for real?”
His response:
“You got consumed by it, my darling.”
oof.
He told me to stop being so concerned about it and thinking about it, so I said “okay.”
During worship on Thursday, I was on my knees and I told Him, “Okay Jesus. No matter what happens, wherever you take me, wherever you tell me, whether it’s these options or not, I am going to go. You have my totally, full, “yes.” I don’t want to live apart from you, so whatever you have, I will follow you.
We moved outside to start baptism, and I was so overjoyed. So many squad mates were going up and renewing their vows to Him or giving Him their ‘yes’ and I couldn’t help but cry. He’s just THAT good.
As this was going on, I asked God, “Do you want me to get baptized today?” I have asked Him this question many times, actually. One reason I didn’t get baptized again when I was back home was that I was very sure I did not want it to be like my first baptism. I did not want to do it out of seeking attention. I didn’t want to do it just because it’s “what you do.” No. I knew it was more than that. So I told God “if you want me to do this, you have to have someone tell me. I’m not going to do it if you don’t want me to.”
We were nearing the end, and my left hand started to shake. Then, my right hand. Then as I was holding my camera, I was shaking so much I could barely take a picture.
Finally, Gabe (a staff member for Adventures Guatemala) said, “If you’re waiting to hear something from Him, don’t. This isn’t about hearing Him, it’s about hunger.”
“Well crap.” Unsure if I said this out loud or in my head, but I knew what that meant. So, I stood up.
This wasn’t an attention thing. Oh no. This was me, and my God, and how I didn’t want me anymore but JUST Him. As I stood my voice was shaking but I said, “this is about hunger, and I’m SO hungry. I am so ready for what’s next, even though I have no idea what that looks like; I know I want it.”
And then I left it all in the water. Left my doubt, left my questions, left my faults and imperfections, left the need for answers, and I rose being called new, promised abundant life with Him, and a promise of a hope and a future. BRO, how good is this news?!
This is a big deal. Sunday Jesus is not for me anymore. Nope. I’m over that, I’ve been over that. No this is about the God of the universe and how He is crazy good. He promises us that He will give us HOPE and a FUTURE (Jeremiah 29:11), and He is a PROMISE KEEPER. He tells me e v e r y d a y I am abundantly loved by Him, whether I deserve it or believe it or not (1 John 4:8-9). He trusts me with His words, He calls me an ambassador for the kingdom of heaven!!!
I don’t want Sunday Jesus. I have tasted and I’ve seen and now I want nothing else. I have seen his goodness, his mercy, his love, his grace, his healing, his sacrifice, and his heart always on the table. How can I NOT give it all up?? He made the total and complete sacrifice. Guys Jesus was PERFECT. Not kinda good, or just didn’t gossip, no no no. He didn’t even have any stain of transgression on him. And he gave that up, for me. For you. So you could live in abundance. So you could be satisfied no matter the circumstance. So you could live in fullness of joy. How crazy is that?!
This baptism is a promise. It’s a public proclamation, but it’s a seal in my heart: my yes is gonna be on the table forever. He can do anything with me. Send me anywhere. Jesus send me! It is an HONOR to be able to serve on His behalf. This is RADICAL living. Heaven lives upside down but bro once you’ve done a handstand and seen the life of truth, I never want to be “right side up” again.
So yeah. My yes is there. I have fully surrendered; not because someone told me to, not because I want to do “what’s right” no. My life is His because He chose me at the beginning of time, and the least I could do is be his reflection.
left it
in the
water.
Thanks God.
Worship song: Can’t Live Without You by Sean Curran
Verse: “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.”
??Romans? ?6:1-14?
