Whoa the power behind those words. I spent 22 years making it my will, my plan, the way I wanted it to be. I am sure He was up there getting a good laugh and how I thought I had it all together. That's exactly what it was, a thought. All those years of letting me try to do things on my own was leading me to the greatest blessing I have ever recieved…He took me down to rock bottom.
That is where I truly began to live.
I knew I was doing it all wrong I wanted my light to shine for Him but I was allowing it to be dimmed by my own silly pride to not fully give my life over to God. I kept making excuses for my childish behavior, running away from conflict, and lying to cover up the things I didn't want the world to know. Then last summer He revealed to the world everything I spent so much time covering up. All of my imperfections. If you know me well, you know I have spent a long time trying to be Perfect. Although, I have found freedom in knowing there are no perfect people.
I rode the church van to church every Sunday, Sunday night, and Wednesday. I helped with VBS, participated in youth, had a role in Christmas programs, and went to the church camps and retreats. I figured as long as I was doing what the world sees as being a Christian I was good to go…
Lets all have a BIG laugh right now.
Yet I wasn't building my relationship with Christ, I was building my relationship with the world. I craved to have a better relationship with Him but how could I show the world that I had been doing it all wrong for all these years. During beauty school I began to dig deeper in and that is when He started to reveal my ugly to me and to the world. I moved back home and got back into church…I could feel Him changing me but I still had to try and cover up all the things that wasn't perfect. Then it happened….what looked like the worst thing that could possibly happen to me actually turned out to be the best.
Last summer I had ran for far to long from all my problems and I was arrested for failure to appear on a suspended drivers licenses. I had to sit there for 5 days, for 5 days I talked to no one, I ate almost nothing, and just spent time praying and thinking. I had no emotion but I felt this peace on my heart because I knew my life was all in His hands at this point. If you would have asked me then how I felt about this situation I would have cried (a lot) and been very very embarrassed but a few short months after I seen the beauty in that very dark time I had to walk through. My life is His to do whatever He wants to do with it. If that means taking my mom at age 7,not having a relationship with my dad, living in several different homes throughout my life, and having to sit in jail for 5 days I am okay with that.
He has never left me even when I was far from Him. He has showed me His love through people, situations, and His word. I am giving up my life and leaving all I love behind to follow Him and His plan for me. It wont always be easy or beautiful but I am okay with that. I have questioned Him so many times… How can you love someone like me? There are so many people with their lives "together" why are you choosing me for this path? That's the beauty of this journey…I get to GO and live life with people who don't have it together but also may not have the peace that God is going to get them through it, I get to go love on people and show God's love to them just like He sent people to do that for me. I love His plan and the way He has made my life not harder than anyone elses just different.
***Here is my heart. I am laying it all out because God is pulling me out of my comfort zone of trying to bring me to the point of opening up the imperfections and ugly of my life. ***
