Rewiring the Hardwiring

This month my whole squad is together. Yes… not just my team of 5 girls, my whole squad of 45. As you can imagine, it’s definitely had its ups and downs. Because of this we’ve been having sessions during the evenings and sometimes during the mornings before ministry. When we first got here our coordinator, Hannah, was with us and opened up the week to “vulnerability” sessions. Now, who likes being vulnerable about their deep life stories in front of 45 people who you barely know? Good idea in theory, but scary to say the least. Needless to say, in good faith, my squad ran with it; including myself.
 
Through this, God brought up some deep things in my life that I’ve never really dealt with. Things that I’ve always wanted to move past from, but would just put them on the back shelf and forget about. Here are the things that God is working me through.
 
Learning to find my comfort, acceptance, praise, gratification, and affirmation from Him and not others. All my life I have cared about what other people think of me. I have always needed to please others to feel like I was accepted. I strived to get positive attention from anyone around me by trying to give people what they wanted, or at least what I thought they wanted. This fed into being a perfectionist about my grades in school, needing to wear the trendiest clothes, and even continuously keeping my skinny body figure. Being what others wanted 24/7. Being a theatre major didn’t really help with this issue; if anything it made it worse. Auditioning day after day and striving to be exactly what the casting directors wanted. I would be rejected day after day because I just wasn’t the right fit. All of this has fed into where I find my identity. I currently find my identity in what others think of me, what others say I am, what others want me to be, and what others see me as. 
 
After sharing bits of my testimony during 3 different sessions nobody prayed for me, each time. Instantly, lies started filling my head. My squad doesn’t love me, my team doesn’t love me, I’m alone, I’m not good enough, I shouldn’t be here. All lies, but they still flooded my mind. That same night I had a huge break down in my room. Bugs were all over and I felt like nobody cared and nobody wanted to help me. I kept hearing my friend Erin’s voice, my dad’s voice, everyone’s voices that always verbally praise, encourage, and comfort me. The Lord kept saying to me, “Use me. Choose me. Pick me to find your comfort, your praise, your encouragement in. Not man, who will inevitably always let you down. Choose me, I will not.”
 
I am going through a season of getting all of these things from Him first. If I get them from Him first then my cup is full because his love is never ending and if I then receive it from others it’s just overflow. All my life I have relied on the opinions of others and others actions and words have truly affected me. Once I become confidant in who God says I am I won’t need these things to continuously strengthen my being. He will be my strength.
 

 
As we were worshiping and praying one night I decided to lie down and just close my eyes and zen out while praying. I asked God to speak to me. What did he want to show me? This was the night after the hospital ministry where Lovemore had generously, out of kindness, bought me a caplana to replace the one the sick baby had gone to the bathroom on. I was wearing this caplana during session, but I had it over my shoulders because it was chilly out. While praying God brought my attention to this.; this beautiful caplana. Covered in jeweled rings and thrown over my shoulders; keeping me warm and comforting me. I heard God telling me that he was this caplana. He was covering me in jewels because I am royalty to him. I am his daughter, I am a princess in the Kingdom of Heaven, I am worthy of riches. He thinks all these things of me and he wants to comfort me in this… in who he says I am.  This image gave my soul a sense of overwhelming peace and comfort. I felt warm and tingly all over knowing that the God of the universe loves me that much!!
 
The image went even further. God reminded me of Lovemore; sweet Lovemore who followed the Holy Spirit, left the hospital we were at to generously buy this caplana to replace the soiled one I was wearing. He did this out of love. He did this out of kindness. He did this because God led him to. God instantly allowed me to see Jesus through Lovemore. Jesus died on the cross because he loved us. While on earth he walked in generosity, in kindness, and in the Holy Spirit.  He did this all because it was God’s will. God's providing people in my life to show me Jesus and how to walk like him.