Once getting to debrief in Nelspruit, South Africa I was emotionally and spiritually drained. I felt exhausted and lost. During debrief God gave me moments of rest, rejuvenation, and peace. I began looking forward to the next step in this adventure; not only with location and ministry, but with my own personal walk with the Lord. I was on fire to go deeper with everything that God stirred up in Mozambique.
On our last night of debrief the owner of the hostile we were staying at, Dave, drove us all up to the top of Nelspruit to worship where there is a huge soccer ball structure and you can see for miles. He said he would take our whole squad up there for free if we helped him clean up some of the trash that’s been piling up around the lookout. Of course we said, “Heck yeah”, (it was a FREE ride!) and began cleaning the moment we got there. We noticed plastic bottles, paper bags, soda cans, and broken glass all over the place; the majority of this being broken glass, which was hard to clean up without a broom or dustpan. We decided to focus our attention on the bigger items and soon had the place looking ten times better.
Worship was incredible that night. The sunset, the view, good friends, good music, and God… what could be better! Within worship a couple people felt it placed on their hearts to share more about themselves and their testimonies. Bible verses were read about new identities and everything within worship connected to each other (I love when God does that). During this time of worship God struck me with an epiphany.
While ministering in Mozambique last month I noticed something a little different from the US. Walls everywhere. Walls around our complex, walls around our ministry sites, walls around almost everything. Most of the walls we saw had either barbed wired, pointed spikes, or sharp pieces of glass on the top to prevent people from jumping over and getting in. A needed safety precaution within their culture for sure.
I realized that I have similar walls, like in Mozambique, built up within myself. Walls of all different shapes and sizes towered up from my past life experiences. One from my past with comparison, one from my past with acceptance, one from my past with expectations, the walls go on and on to the point where I’m completely surrounded by them that I can’t even move.
Mozambique was a month of awakening, realization, and brokenness. I finally chose to say, “God, bring in the wrecking ball. Not a chisel to pick away at my struggles, NO… a wrecking ball! I don’t want them anymore!” And as I did this I heard a whisper from God saying, “Thank you. I’ve been waiting for you to ask.”
Each of us are filled with broken pieces and we all have the choice to either build walls and ornament them with the brokenness or to allow God to bulldoze through, bring in the wrecking ball, and break down those walls. While in Mozambique I had to make a choice to stop ornamenting my life with my past. My past does not define who I am! God defines who I am and I am forgiven through him and only him. Asking him to wreck me may not have been fun at the time (honestly, it really sucked), but I am now much closer to the woman God has created me to be.
That night of worship by the soccer ball structure God was giving my squad and I a choice. What do we do with the broken pieces? The walls have been broken down through our vulnerability and decision to say, “YES”, to him, but now what do we do with the broken pieces that surround us? They still surround us. The walls may be down, but the pieces still remain on the floor. If we try to walk forward without noticing them we will inevitably step on them and get hurt. Our choice now is whether or not to pick up the dustpan (God) and the broom (Jesus) to clean up our brokenness. Once we admit that only He can do it and we can’t the pathway becomes safe to walk. We can then finally take steps forward from that place we had been enclosed in for so long. Freedom begins to become reality.
On the mountain top in Nelspruit, as I told this imagery to my squad, each of us took a piece of glass from the mountaintop and threw it. Each piece symbolized something from our past that we used to let define us. NO MORE. I don’t even want to see them scattered on the floor. NO MORE. I am choosing to pick up the broom and sweep them into God’s hands because quit frankly… I don’t want them anymore. NO MORE.
(What actually happened… I tried to pick up the piece myself without even thinking and cut myself. Digest that symbolism for a second. We can't do it ourselves without getting cut!!!)
Dave originally asked us to clean up the lookout. Our original response was to get all the big pieces; the plastic bottles, the paper bags, the soda cans, the things that people noticed first. The glass, that was hard to clean up, got overlooked. God is waiting for us to say, “Yes”, and allow him to clean up our mess. The good, the bad, and the ugly. The bottles, the cans, and the glass.
So what’s holding us back? We find it impossible to surrender completely to him because ultimately, deep down inside, we doubt that he can do it. We say “But Lord…” when he calls us to something hard. I find myself searching within to find out how He will do what He says. But the thing that approaches the very limits of His power is the very thing we as disciples of Jesus ought to believe He will do.
“But the most impossible thing for you is to be so closely identified with the Lord that there is literally nothing of your old life remaining. God will do it if you will ask Him. But you have to come to the point of believing Him to be almighty. We find faith by not only believing what Jesus says, but, even more, by trusting Jesus Himself. If we only look at what He says, we will never believe. Once we see Jesus, the impossible things He does in our lives become as natural as breathing. The agony we suffer is only the result of the deliberate shallowness of our own heart. We won’t believe; we won’t let go by severing the line that secures the boat to the shore – we prefer to worry.”
-My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers
He’s got us. He’s always got us. Surrender to Him and let him do the rest. Who knows how he will use those broken pieces to create something beautiful.
With Love,
Jen
