BOOM!!!!
Just got back from Training Camp and what a disaster. My expectations have been smashed, my walls have been demolished, and my pride has been blown to pieces. Bombs went off and destroyed my team… and at the core they destoryed me. I lay in a pile of shattered pieces. Vulnerable, open, and exhausted.
To be honest, it kind of felt like the Hunger Games! For those of you who don't know what the Hunger Games are #1 WHAT?!? Where have you been? #2 Go watch it!!! and #3 I will give you a brief explanation, but really… you need to watch it! The Hunger Games is a game of survival of the fittest. Each district chooses 2 people to play and in the game you have to survive while everyone else is trying to kill you. The final person alive is the champion. I personally find this game extremely inhumane, but remember it's fiction.
So… comparing Training Camp to the Hunger Games… well, yes it's a little different. We weren't killing each other per say. Instead, we were dying for Christ. In the Hunger Games when someone is killed there is a shot that is fired to allow the other players to know someone has fallen. I'm going to refer to them as bombs…
BOOM! Expectations! Training Camp was not what I was expecting… but to be honest, I didn't know what to expect. The first day, I was a bundle of nerves. Nervous to meet my squad, nervous of what God was going to do this week, and nervous about what team I was going to be placed in. I remember feeling this overwhelming expectation to get to know everyone on my team and connect with all 46 of them in unique ways. Let's just say… 1st demolition!!!! God showed me right away that this is not his want, but my own and also… it's almost impossible! I needed to slow down and take each introduction and connection one step at a time. After realizing this… breathing came a little easier. I started to meet my squad and leaders as they came and grew strong connections with the ones that God put in my path. Advice for future World Racers… it's ok to not connect with everyone intimately at Training Camp. Allow God to lead you to who he wants in your path… don't force it. I love my squad dearly, but I can sit here and honestly say that I do not know all of their stories after one week with them… and that's OK. They are still my family 🙂
BOOM! Doubt! For the first couple days I questioned if God was listening. As hard as I prayed to hear him I got nothing. I tried… nothing, tried some more… nothing, tried in a different way (of course, I must be doing this wrong)… still nothing. I started to question if I was good enough to go on The World Race. I didn't have any amazing stories of healing, I didn't have tons of knowledge on the Bible, and I didn't hear his voice. I doubted that healing was real and could truly happen in the name of Jesus Christ. I also doubted that I could heal people. "Me? Heal? Oh that's not my gift. Someone else has been gifted with that, but not me". Demolition #2! I opened myself up to hunger for God. Hunger for his voice, for his truth, for his healing. God showed up! He came like a wrecking ball and broke through my doubt. I saw healing happen. I was a part of his healing! I heard his voice, not only for myself, but for others. He was there the whole time, pushing me toward starvation so that all I could do was hunger for more of HIM! What a great God we serve!
BOOM! Comparison! I have a confession… I compare. Always have. I think I can remember comparing myself to others all the way back when I was in Kindergarden. One of my friends was an amazing reader. Always reading even at a young age. I loved books as well, but I wasn't as good of a reader as she was. I always wanted to be like her and would have competitions to see who read the most books. Needless to say… I always lost and it always made me feel not good enough. This trend continued all the way till now… 25 years old and I'm still comparing myself to others and still not feeling good enough. Even at training camp in a pavilion of 300 people that I don't know I struggled to be myself. I kept finding myself comparing over the simplest things. I confessed this to one of my squadmates around the campfire one night and became extremely vulnerable. The very next day… Demolition #3! Within our workshop, Ron (our guest speaker) talked about comparison and identities. God doesn't want a performance. He doesn't want you pretending and striving to be like the person next to you. He wants YOU! All of you… just the way he made you. No masks, no characters, just YOU. He made everyone different for that reason… so we can be different! We can serve him differently, pray differently, laugh differently, and above all love differently. We are all UNIQUE and isn't that something to embrace instead of run from and try and change. Comparision has no place in God's church. We are the church. Let's stop comparing and start living out who he has made each and every one of us to be. Unique. Special. Individuals. Thank you PSquad family for helping me journey through this. It's not over… but it's a heck of a good start.
(more BOMBS to come in Part 2)
Love ya'll 😀
