This is how I would've described myself 3 months ago. I loved attention and fed off of it around every corner. Whether it was a man flirthing with me, or a girlfriend complimenting me, or my parents simply asking me about how work was that day… I loved being the center of attention. God first showed me this in Mozambique, month one of the race. I began to pray and ask God why I was like this? Why did I feed off of the attentions of others? Where was the root of it all? He brought me to two different answers.
1. Comparison, competition, and performance have been instilled in me through being a professional actress for 14 years.
2. I, like everyone else, want to feel like I'm heard, wanted, and seen.
How true are both of these! As much as I adore theatre the concepts of comparison, competition, and performing to get the approval of others is woven into the process (And for those people in theatre let me clarify that I agree that these are all necessary, to an extent, within the profession). In life though, these concepts eat away at us. Comparing yourself to the person next to you, competing to catch someone's eye, and being someone you're not just to get someone's approval… this is not what God intended for us.
God hears us, He sees us, and He loves us just the way we are. He is the only true provider. Not our worldly wants. For the longest time my worldly wants included being a dancer on Broadway, working as a cruise ship performer, or maybe even being a Rockette in The Radio City Music Hall's Christmas Spectacular Show! All eyes from the audience on me as I did my high kicks for Jesus. But who was the focus truly on? Me or Jesus? If I'm being honest with myself… it was all about me and I hate admitting that. This past year God began redirecting my heart towards Him. I want Him to be the focus. Him to have ALL the glory… not me.
This has not been an easy process for me, but I am happy to say that God is changing me from the inside out. Recently, He showed up on another one of my morning runs on the beach.
Picture this… Insane wind, sand everywhere, waves thunderously crashing in the near distance, 4 runners trying to get their exercise on the beach. Our first direction was with the wind… Easy peasy right?!?! As we run we decide to make this building ahead of us our turn around point. Once approaching we realize that it's an amphitheater! So amazing!!! Beautiful seating and an amazing space to put on any Shakespearean show you can think of. Needless to say… I'm in love with this place! As I stand in awe at this gorgeous site my running buddies inform me that we have to turn around. Ugh oh… the other way… against the wind… the hard part. As we start to run we realize that it is useless, we can't keep fighting the wind with the sun in our eyes. Once we slowed down I noticed the sunrise. Gorgeous, radiant sun beaming down on us; encouraging us to keep going. I began to just praise God for his goodness and through this he revealed to me that this is how I've been living my life. Running with ease to my own wants (theatre, performing, attention) and giving up when He calls me towards His glory (the sun, His radiant blessings). How easy is it to just run to our own wants? God is still always there with us, shining His love down on us, inviting us to turn around, but it's just so easy because it's what "we" want. What about what God wants? Yes, it might be hard at first to turn around, face the wind, and push towards His will for us, but in the end it is so worth it. His gorgeous, glorious love is much more present when we choose to obey and go His way.
Yes, this is still a process for me, but I am taking steps forward to walk in His footsteps and not my own. Thank you, Lord, for continuously uprooting the attention whore out of me and filling it with your presence, your Spirit, I thank you over and over again for loving me enough to focus on the tiniest details of my soul. You are the ultimate provider and I want to point people to You and not to myself. I pray, Father, that you continue to strengthen this want within me and to remove my selfish, human desires. In Jesus name… AMEN!
P.S. I know God has instilled theatre into my heart for a reason and I am praying that He shows me what to do with this passion for the arts. If I could ask you all to come alongside me with prayer, that would be greatly appreciated. I'm confident He will show me in His perfect timing what He has for me. Thank you all and God Bless!!
