I’ve spent the past few days brainstorming, working through, and honestly struggling to come to a decision about what my next blog post should be. Today, as I was nearly about to quit trying and just say, “Whatever, maybe next month,” God hit me hard with what he desires me to write to you about. While I’m thankful for his perfect direction, and he’s opened my heart to discussing the more tattered parts of life, please know that this has been one of my big splinters that often I hate admitting to. Yet, in the words of Emily Dickinson, I find a reason to always be vulnerable…
“If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
if I can ease one life the aching,
or cool one pain,
or help one fainting robin
unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.”
Our Father is so good to use the messiness he’s sorted out in one life to lift up and encourage another’s. My prayer is that this piece of my story could be a testimony for you; that you may see the love of the Lord in my freedom from depression.
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You’re suddenly stuck in a deep dark hole. Alone. You’ve spent days screaming for help, for a way out, for a voice, anything. No answer. Silence. After what feels like an eternity, someone passes by the hole and notices you’re stranded, and your health is wavering. They call out to you, and offer their services for your escape, but you hear only empty promises. You’ve convinced yourself that there is no way out of this hole, and even if there was, it feels better to sit in what has become a normal dark loneliness, than to make the effort in climbing out.
My Journal // December 6, 2014
These past months, I’ve began processing through what I can recall it was for me to be depressed a few years ago. Two feelings have protruded all others in my memory: loneliness and hopelessness. Loneliness, in that while there may be people around you who love you and care about you, you simply cannot feel any connection, let alone accept love or help. Hopelessness, in that despite other’s assurance you can “think positive” or “get treatment”, you’ve convinced yourself there is no way to feel better. They’re equally awful emotions, but I think my most despised characteristic about depression, is that unless you’ve been taught how to identify it in your own life, you can have a difficult time believing that there is something evilly wrong stirring in you. You may deny the very thing that’s killing you.
In time, my mom, thankfully, was able to identify my illness before I even understood I was not okay. Through counseling, I learned how to filter out negative thoughts before they grew into a negative attitude. Journaling was an escape for expressing myself, and sports allowed me to exert unneeded stress. But, ultimately God did more in me than I can ever account for.
To pinpoint exactly where or when I was healed from depression is really not possible. It was a journey, a journey from one point to another. A journey that began with clanging shackles around my ankles and wrists and ended with a warm intimate embrace as my Father welcomed me into his freeing love. Oh, his love is relentless. I know I am free, but there are still days where I allow the enemy to tell me I’m not worthy of joy or love, and I go to put the manacles back on. However, no matter where I find myself, or where I run to, Father always finds me. The parable of the lost sheep so well describes his relentless pursuit…
“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.”
Luke 15:4-6
Friends, our Daddy loves us so much that he wholly chases after each of us, finds us in the lowest places, and then rescues us, no matter the cost. He considers us so worth having, that while many other’s are safe within his home, he’ll still desire each of us personally. He looks into the crowd of his children gathered around him and says, “Where is Jen? Where is Bethany? Where is John? Where is my child?” And then he sets off an adventure to find you, “woo” you romantically, embrace you with the best hug ever in the history of hugs, and show you how worthy you are to be loved and full of joy. He says, “You were lost, but now you are found. I have healed all of your brokenness, for you are my beloved. Come to me”
Maybe depression isn’t your “hole”. Maybe it’s a sin you’re getting stuck in, or another condition that’s weighing on you. I may not know your struggle, but I know your Father. I urge you to accept his “welcome home”. He’s holding the key to your chains, and he yearns for you to be free endlessly more than you’ll ever want freedom yourself. He’s an intimate God, never far off or disconnected. He longs to walk through life with you, laughing with you when you have no other response for the happiness you feel, crying with you, and stroking your face and hair to comfort when you’re sad, reaching in your being and molding your heart to be more like his day by day. He wants you. Not just you on a good day, or you on Sunday. He wants you in everyday, in every moment.
My prayer is that each of us would assume a life of freedom in the love of our Father. May we accept his embrace even when we don’t feel like there’s any hope, because ultimately, our screw ups and illnesses don’t intimidate him in the least.
On a final note, if you’re currently or have previously suffered from depression, have depression symptoms, or ya just want someone to talk to, please please please know you can always contact me, get with me, anything! I want to know your story, and be praying with you. You are so worthy of healing and love 🙂
My contact info…
Cell number: (937) 715-1524
Email: [email protected]
