Today is Wednesday. It is Ash Wednesday in fact.
I have been struggling to be around people the last week. It is not normal for me. Every moment, there is another face, another conversation, another chance to connect. But I am definitely struggling to be engaged in these moments. I have been content with the lack of alone time I've had this year, until now.
A few days ago we were in Bulgaria and I spent some time with a woman who has become a dear friend. We went to an Anglican Orthodox mass, a thing I've never done. I wept during most of the service because I felt I could find the solitude of prayer I had been longing for as the men sang over our heads in Latin. We talked about observing Lent together, something else I've never done.
I've been wrestling with what to let go of for a season. I've fasted before and I know if I let go of some things, I'll just find something else to keep me content for the time. But I don't want a temporary fix, I want a full replacement of what I give up.
This morning I finally found myself alone for a couple of hours in the stillness of the morning in the coffee house I'm living in. I felt God speak to me.
"Be still and know that I am God." What does it mean to be still? I sat still. I felt my lungs breath in and out. I felt the chill of the air on my arms. I felt my body fidget to find comfort. Be still. Once I was still, I know I still wasn't. My mind was racing. But my mind still would not find stillness.
I know what I want to fast. And in the stillness, in my saying no to the things I want to hold from God, I'll find no quick fix, but a full replacement with Jesus. I found Him alone in the stillness.
My friend, Stephanie Cashin, wrote this on her blog after the new year, but it rings true for me right now. http://stephaniecashin.theworldrace.org/?filename=6-january-2014
In the moment perspective is lost.
In the tears and questions, all is blurred.
Trying to keep just moving.
Grasping for something, anything
and hold tight.
To doubt
To questions
To uncertainty
To shame
To anger
Clenched fist and determination.
I will not hope again.
A New Year.
And he's still dead
And she still doesn't know Christ
And they're still fighting
And they're still without child
And money is sill tight
And do moments even change anything?
And is hope ever holy?
And what is there to learn in the stillness of it all God?
PSALM 46:10
"Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in all the earth!"
You are God, and you are to be exalted- among the nations.
Among the eleven nations of this race.
Despite all of the still
In the still
Because of the still
I am called to exalt you Lord.
It is my joy to exalt you Lord.
When still is uncomfortable
When still is discouraging
When still looks redundant
When still is a disappointment
or lack progress or doesn't look like a promise
Rest there.
Be there- be all there and sing praise.
Faithful, tear-filled praise.
Emmanuel
God with us
With us here and now.
With me me in the still.
When I am still the child in Cambodia
needing to be held. He is there.
He is still there. Everlasting.
Steadfast love. Whispering to his daughter,
I've still got you
When the perspective is lost.
When the tears fall.
And all the questions feel like chaos.
He is the peace. The still strong
refuge. He quiets all doubt, fear, and shame.
From a rooftop in Malaysia,
waiting on a thunderstorm-
the sky is calm. All is still.
And He is
Worthy and sovereignly demanding my praise.
Due all glory and honor.
God.
To you, who hoped for healing,
or letting go, or starting over
and instead find yourself in the still::
Be brave. Sing praise.
Hold fast. Fight for your story.
Exalt Him. Continue to hope.
Know that He is God.
PSALM 16:11
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
PSALM 34:1
I will extol the Lord at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
PSALM 143:8
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life
JOSHUA 1:9
This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
My prayer tonight is for each of you who find yourself a week into the new year struggling with the still. Maybe it's a burden you're still carrying. Maybe it's a house that's too quiet and still after being filled with family and friends for the holiday. Maybe it's a hope you're growing weary still waiting on.
Whatever stillness is hurting your heart- I pray you rest in it. Let Christ the Comforter meet you there, in that so very tender place. From the pain of the still exalt Him, praise His name. Feel the hurt, feel the lonely, feel the pain, but know that He is God.
