I have always been a late bloomer. I kept a secret from the rest of my peers as a child. And that was that I never wanted to grow up. I was forced to concede and let go of my true desires at some point though. Unfortunately, time took care of that. I had no interest in giving up my Barbies and cartoons to trade them in for lip gloss and talking on the phone. When I heard the old theme song for Toys R Us playing on tv, I connected with those words and desperately wished it true. Why did others want to grow up? I didn’t even want to drive when I was old enough. It’s true. Everyone talked about how they couldn’t wait to drive and I secretly nodded my head and said, yeah! Inside I had no interest. Why can’t I just stay home where it’s cozy?
So I guess it is no surprise that I didn’t even start dating until I was 25. I’ve dated more often now, especially over the past 3 years. However, I’m always an advocate of singleness. I often try to persuade people to give it a shot for at least 2 seconds. It’s a great place to be. Sometimes it’s good to not date. It’s the advice I often give. I hope I can take my own advice now.
At the very end of my phone interview for the World Race, Helen asked me one last question. Do you understand that if you are accepted into the program that you cannot pursue a relationship from that point on until you return? I paused to realize what she just asked me and quickly said yes.
When I got into my car to drive home, I immediately burst into tears. I guess I knew it would be an expectation next year, but I wasn’t realizing it would also include the year before.
I pulled off the road into a parking lot because I was overwhelmed with what I had just agreed to. I was also overwhelmed that it overwhelmed me! What is this hold over me that to give up dating or just the possibility of dating causes me to break down into a weepy mess?
I realized that I hold onto those desires a bit too tightly. Apparently they are something I need to let go of and walk away from. However, willingly walking away from those opportunities and saying no to them sounds utterly ridiculous. Why, sure! Let’s secure another 2 years of singleness. Tag that on to the past 33. No big deal. Sign me up.
It like I’m 10 again. I’m realizing that I have to let go of the things I love. This time it’s not Barbies and cartoons though.
My desires and hopes. Could it be that I am holding those things captive from God? I believe that He is painfully shaping me to discover that my complete hope and desires are going to be found only in Him.
I may never marry. I may never have children of my own. I know it. He knows it breaks my heart. However, He knows my heart and how to exactly how to fill it more beautifully, tenderly and passionately than any temporary pleasure on this earth could even begin to do.
So doing the exact opposite of what I do, which is to have an open mind in the dating world is what I’m called to right now. I’m taking a different opportunity to experience the most intimate relationship I’ll ever know. And this time I’ll realize it more because I said yes on the phone a few weeks ago. I agreed to this. I’m choosing Him over MY hope and desire to be my hope and desire.
It may make me a very late bloomer. But the flowers of fall are just as beautiful as those in spring and summer.
Here's a great perspective that I'd like to share:
http://gracefortheroad.com/2012/02/03/idontwait/
