Pizza day was always Friday at school. In the first grade I didn’t have much confidence in my ability to anything on my own like many other 6 or 7 year olds. But today was the day. I had observed all year other kids buying school lunch and how they had enjoyed it and were not afraid to accomplish such a “grown up” task. Today was my big day to show I could be just as “grown up” as the other kids. I nervously went through the line and was able to use my voice to speak up when asked what I would like (which was also hard for me). I hadn’t lost the money my mom neatly put in an envelope with my name on it and purchased my slice of pepperoni pizza and white milk. I didn’t drop my tray that I had to walk all the way from the cash register to the table all by myself. Success! I had conquered fear! No sooner than I took my first bite, the fire alarm went off in the building. Those were only supposed to go off in our classrooms, I thought. That way my teacher can comfort me and tell me exactly what to do. What do I do now?
I don’t know why I thought that this was the right course of action. I got my tray, walked it over to the nearest trash can and threw the entire thing away, tray and all. I then nervously ran over to the line with all the other 1st through 3rd graders. We went outside in the cold and came quickly back in no more than five minutes to finish eating our food. That is unless your food was in the garbage. And of course I was too afraid to talk to a teacher to tell her what I had just done.
My sister always told me that I was book smart, but lacking common sense. After reminiscing about my actions that day, I believe she may have been right.
Truth be told, I struggle with fear on top of the lack of common sense. Back then, fear was about everything. Adults, teenagers, teachers, snakes, spiders, fire, monsters under the bed, sharks in the pool, planes, mean boys, mean girls, myself talking, people talking to me, people looking at me, my turn in any sport or game, kidnappers, phone calls, the burglar outside that is making the dog bark like crazy, doctors, finger pricks, the white gown at the doctor’s office, swallowing pills, piano recitals, sweet potatoes, fish and applesauce. Ok, I’ll stop on my list of fears from the age of 10 and under that I can recall. Because unfortunately, I learned new things to be afraid of after I was able to conquer most of those fears.
Why do we find ourselves in a circle of conquering a fear and then filling it with a new one? After all, look at how encouraging scripture is on this matter.
Hebrews 13:5-6
For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we may boldly say: "The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
1 Corinthians 16:13
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.
Romans 8:15
For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.
Psalm 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?
Psalm 56:3-4
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
It’s funny how ever since I committed to leaving this September, I don’t have time to be afraid of my fears because I’ve made new friends with other fears. It’s like swapping out one bad friend for another. I always seem to be with bad company.
John Piper said on the problem of fear, “We think we will be better Christians when we stop fearing—that may be quite false. We will be better Christians when we love God the more for his perfect love. But the fear that we are to feel as Christians is itself a work of grace. It is a fear which casts us back into love for God and trust in his mercy, and thus destroys itself. Fear is the proper servant of love for imperfect saints.”
So when bad company tries to come with me to lunch and when I unfortunately throw away my lunch and invite new bad company over, it may serve to cast me back into love for God and trust in His great mercy if I am willing. It is another testimony of grace for this undeserving and imperfect saint.
Fear is cast out by the Spirit of God, no other way than by the prevailing of love: nor is it ever maintained by his Spirit but when love is asleep… Jonathan Edwards
