What do you do when no one you know understands you and how you feel? What if you've lived a very different life from those around you? What if everyone doesn't care and they tell you to grieve it and get over it? What if I've been trying to grieve it and get over it my whole life? Perhaps I need not greive it. Must my dreams die? I cannot relive 17 and try it another way.
Much of this year has felt like I have opportunities to relive times in my life I'd rather not experience again. And it's all because it drives at the thing that aches and hurts me the most – my disappointments. Feelings and thoughts I haven't had in years fill my mind again and I'm bewildered by their presence.
For the first time in my life I did not celebrate Valentine's Day with my mom and dad since it's my mother's birthday. There's something awkward about celebrating it with your folks your whole life. For the first time I was asked to dance by a boy. Sure he was 21. I tried to tell him I couldn't dance and how old I was. He said he didn't know English. Well what could I do? Later he made me a paper flower. I've never been given flowers by any man and there he was making me a paper one at my table. All these things sound so silly and ridiculous and made me start thinking that I've missed out. Perhaps I could have had the only two things I've ever wanted besides Italy if I learned to overcome my fears a long time ago.
Regardless, I know I've made wise decisions for my life and I don't have regrets of poor behavior. But it hurts me to feel like I'm pretending to relive years of my life long gone.
Flattery in the end is not my friend and if I'm not careful will leave me feeling quite empty. I noticed these things very quickly in the month in Albania and addressed them with my team and with the Lord. We joked about how perhaps Albania proved the saying, "Flirt to convert" works. A notion I've always despised. I still don't believe in it. So we had to set some boundaries for ourselves. We had a code word to use if we felt we were crossing the line. It was pineapple. The boys vocabulary wasn't enough to know that word. I spent a good portion of my time giving relationship counseling to the boys and encouraging them to guard their hearts because it is the best thing they could ever give away. And if they give their best to Jesus, He will be the only One who can love it to the fullest measure.
It was difficult to bear my soul to those around me who have not experienced the things I have and have not. It made me miss my friends from home who do. But here I am giving over all these things to the One who made me in His image and has good plans for my life and is using me far beyond anything I could ask or imagine. And I'm still learning to guard my heart because it is the wellspring of life.
And in case you are wondering – I'm not bringing any of the Albanian men home with me. They are indeed sweet and adorable and some have asked me to bring them back, but they turned into my buddies and brothers and I'm missing them already.
