I think there is a mature gene in Albanian and it's effects are interesting. For starters, I fit in with the 20 year olds. And when I say that I mean, I look like the 20 year olds. We have played a guessing game with our ages here often. The first time we played, the very first girl said I was 17. I kid you not when I think my heart skipped a beat and my eyes started to well up with tears. 17? What a strange time in my own personal life and that was 18 years ago for me. I was filled with so many doubts and insecurities at that age, yet filled with all the hope that life promises to bring.
(It brings me no pleasure to post this picture of me at 17, but there it is. And here is my "senior picture photo shoot we did in Albania.)
I was a wall flower who secretly did things because I loved people so much, but no one ever noticed me. And here and now being 35 not much of that rings true anymore. I have overcome so many fears of my own self doubt.
I still do things in secret for people because I love them so much, but my expectations are much more healthy. I do them not to be noticed and if nothing comes of it, it's ok. But this month felt a bit heavy for me. I was struggling with my numerous disappointments of the month and then I began to compact those with past disappointments in my and life and the lies became overwhelming. Have I lived a disappointed life? Has that all the past 18 years amounted to: disappointment?
Albania seems to be filled with a lot of disappointed people. I've met some of them. It is one of the poorest countries in Europe. The women stay indoors in Gorre most of the time, a habit I still can't quite figure out. The men are everywhere, many of them out of work with nothing to do. There is no fulfillment. Many of the young boys spend a whole day doing very little. There is nothing that gives them drive and hope.
Will life give them all the hope it promises to bring? At 17 here the future doesn't seem as shiny and new as it did when I was 17. One of my friends says he wants to come to America so he can have a job and money and love and happiness. Maybe America can provide some of this, but will he still be disappointed? I think it's a grave possibility.
So what do we do when life leaves us empty, and all I'm doing is sitting in a bar/cafe for hours just to pass the time day in and day out? Do we sell ourselves short and pick up the first shiny thing that might provide us some excitement for a moment? Maybe it will hide the disappointment for a time. But that is good enough for now.
I fear that is what some of the men here fall prey to. Will I do that too? When I find I'm disappointed will I find something temporary to hide my disappointments or will I take my disappointments out from under my covers of sadness and give them over to the One who promises to exceed our expectations beyond all we could ask or imagine? Because I know He's the only one who can fill the holes of disappointment in my heart.
Ephesians 3:17-21
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
