As usual, we arrived to church an hour early for internet time before service. I walked into the church, sat at the table surround by a few of my teammates and opened up my laptop. First stop, Facebook. I opened up my messages to find a message from my friend Michael. 2nd sentence in and I read 3 words that would forever change my life. Stefan is dead. I felt as though the wind was knocked out of me, tears came pouring out as everyone surrounding me turned to me asking what was wrong. All I could do was point to my computer. For about a solid 30 minutes I sat there crying hysterically until Misty brought me outside for fresh air. I felt as though I was about to pass out, soaked in sweat and tears I stumbled to the sidewalk outside. For several hours I sat surrounded by my team as we sat in silence with me randomly bursting into tears.
How could this be? Someone so young, only 23 years old, die in his sleep? Hurt, anger, pain…my heart hurts so bad. I never knew it was possible to hurt so bad. I have never lost anyone before let alone someone so close to me. God where are you? How could you let this happen? Why him? He’s such a great man with such a great future ahead. Whether you met him once in passing or have known him your entire life, he has somehow touched your life. He’s “that guy that everyone loves”. Anyone who he comes in contact with he makes his friend. He would do anything for anyone at any time. His sense of humor is unmatchable; his random sound effects could put a smile on anyone’s face. His smile, his beautiful smile. His laugh, if I listen really hard I can almost still hear it….its contagious. Sleep was his only enemy. We used to stay up to 5 or 6am just talking about anything and everything. Sometimes I’d end up falling asleep while he played video games. No matter what we did I enjoyed every moment with him. He was an encourager. I remember days before I left for The World Race I called him crying. I told him that I was freaking out, thinking I’m giving up everything and not knowing if it’s worth it. I told him I felt inadequate and I was afraid. He encouraged me so much! He told me that it’s completely normal to have cold feet or a freak out before doing something major. He agreed with me that I was giving up a lot but that’s why he admired me so much. That me being willing was adequate enough. “Willpower, passion and compassion Jen…that’s all you need and you have it! If anyone can do it you can!” I played those words over and over in my head anytime I had freak out moments. And now, this friend of mine, my first real friend when I moved to GA, is gone? Forever? I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it.
My heart hurts so bad…the loss of one of my closest friends, I hurt for his other close friends…for all his friends, I hurt so bad for his family. If I hurt this much I can’t even comprehend how they feel. His nieces, he loved them so much. It hurts and I don’t understand. I may never understand.
I hate that I’m thousands of miles away and I can’t be at his funeral. I feel like a horrible friend not being there but deep I know he would understand. I hate that I’m not surrounded by people that know him and love him. I hate that I don’t know why this happened. I hate that it hurts so bad. I hate that he’s gone.
I am so grateful for the community I’m with…they have been so supportive and comforting. I’m so grateful for an amazing God who comforts me, who hurts because I hurt. I am so grateful I had the honor of calling Stefan my friend. He has brought me so much happiness and love and I will be forever grateful that God placed him in my life for the time that he did. I am so grateful I was able to say goodbye…even though I thought it was only for 11 months it was still goodbye. I’m so grateful that I was able to write him a letter before I left telling him how much he meant to me and how thankful I am for his friendship. I’m so grateful that he went peacefully and painlessly. I’m so grateful that now Stefan is in such a better place and he’s looking down on all of us….I’ll see you when I get there and we will laugh together yet again!
With life comes death but I will never understand God’s timing. What I do understand is that His comfort is unmatchable. More comforting than our mutual friends back in Georgia who could comfort me because they are mourning the same loss I am. More comforting than the community I’m surround with now whose strength lifts me up and encourage me. God’s strength comes with me whether I’m in Georgia or El Salvador, He hurts because I hurt. He understands more than anyone else because He knows Stefan better than anyone else. He knows me better than anything else. In His arms I am comforted.
Today is your funeral…Thank God for Michael and Skype I’ll be there the only way I can. I will wear bright colors, turn up the music, and celebrate your life! I’ll love you forever and I’ll miss you always.
Rest in Peace my dear sweet friend Stefan Van Blount 4/21/88-2/25/12
