So last night I had a dream and it went like this….
It was right before the $3500 for my Oct deadline was due. Not sure if it was the same day or the day before but I knew I didn’t make it. I still needed an extra $1500. I started crying and crying asking God why He didn’t provide. I was so hurt and I cried saying “God but I thought this is what you wanted from me?? I thought January was when I was supposed to go? All the paths were leading to this, why oh why didn’t you provide?? I know I can go in July but my squad God!! My Squad!! I’m so close with them already! Why did you give us such unity if I wasn’t supposed to go with them? I want to experience this year with them!! I love them God!! God why didn‘t you provide?!” As I continued to cry I decided to look online at my AIM account. Well low and behold there was a new donation in there for $5000 from some random guy I met once named Jose!! I thanked God for providing and apologized for doubting him!
Well then I woke up. Doubt flooded me as reality hit that there was not $5000 in my account from a guy Jose (I don’t even know a Jose other than my squad mate haha). I was filled with more doubt and discouragement today than I have any day since I applied for the race. This doubt only intensified as I headed to work and continued to think of the $1500 I need in 11 days to make my deadline. I questioned God and wondered if I was even supposed to go. Doubt, Doubt, and yet another dose of Doubt.
So me and my doubting self was at work…I had a minute to escape to the bathroom while one of my tables ate and the other was waiting to see if her friend would show. I get on my phone on facebook (shhh don’t tell my manager! Haha) so I can post to my squad on our group page that I’m super discouraged and I need prayer. Well my phone wouldn’t let me post it so yet another frustration. I take the lady’s order at my table, turns out her friend never showed. As she finishes her breakfast she asks if I had a minute (which I did). She said “I don’t know why my friend didn’t show today. I don’t know why I stayed here to eat, I honestly could have gone home to eat. I don’t know why I’m doing my journaling here when there’s a million other places I could be right now. But here I am and the Lord wants me to tell you He sees your compassionate heart, you have such a great heart. I don't know if your doing for others now or whatever but I just want you to know the that Lord doesn't want you to get so caught up in your compassion that you lose yourself. He also has a compassionate heart and he cares for you. Everything that is going on in your life right now he cares" I WAS FLOORED!! Tears came to my eyes (which I held back quite well haha) and I said thank you so much! I told her about the race and my doubts today and fears of fundraising. She told me that she had an artwork in her car she was supposed to be giving her friend that represented peace. She pointed to her paperwork telling me how it was info on her friends ministry and she was praying for peace for her friend. She said her friend obviously didn't show today because it was i that needed peace. WOW! I told her how awesome God is, that there was a reason she was there today. she said "Jen, God knew last week when I made this appointment that I would come here, I would sit in your section, my friend wouldnt show, and you would be having a day like you are…God knew you were the one who need peace and encouragement" She handed me some money for my trip and went on her way.
GOD ROCKS MY WORLD!!!!!!
So I get home from work and I’M STILL DISCOURAGED! Still doubting! As I sit there I start to cry question God and if he is going to provide. My phone rings, I answer it and it’s a guy asking about buying my car! Turns out he just wants to take over payments so it won’t work but it was a reminder that God is going to take care of that too.
Still doubt. I have a conversation with Shanona and as always she gives me words of encouragement. I get off the phone with her and I still have doubt!!
I get on facebook on our squad’s group page and my squad mate posted (well copied from another squad mate’s blog….)
Habakkuk 2: 3
But these things I plan wont happen right away. Slowly, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.
Wow ok God I hear you, but can you please speak a little louder?? (Like he hasn’t already spoke loud enough! Ha!)
Again, back to crying and crying asking God why I haven’t made deadline yet, asking him if I really am supposed to go in January, begging him to just make it clear to take away my doubt. I then listen to the song that was on…It was a song by Chris Tomlin, not sure what song it was but when I started listening to it he has stopped singing and was talking about his trip to Africa and how he learned this song in Swahili so he continued on singing in Swahili. Umm…Yeah, I’ll be in Africa for 3 months next year!
So as I sit there I start thinking about this random guy Jose. Jose. Jose? Who the heck is Jose? And why is this name sticking?? So I look it up. Jose is the Spanish version of Joseph. The meaning of Joseph: God will Increase.
Wow. Ok God…NOW I hear you!!! Such a huge day of doubt but over and over and over again he kept telling me this is where I’m supposed to be. God is such an awesome God. He cares so much for me, like a dad to his daughter. He kept showing me in every way not to doubt him until I finally heard him. Such a dad thing to do J
I know he will provide, will it be through you? To donate, click “Support Me” I still need $1515 in 11 days to reach my Oct 2nd deadline. Thank you so much to those who have already supported me prayerfully and financially!! And thank you so much to those who plan to support!!
