And so we begin month 8 in Malaysia! We had some LONG travel days to get here but we’ve finally arrived! This month my team is working at St. Nicholas Home which is a home for people of all ages who are visually impaired. Some students are also deaf or may have other disabilities. It’s going to be a challenging month for sure but I’m so excited to see what God has in store.
Africa….where to begin. I was reading back through parts of my journal this morning, reflecting on the last 3 months and couldn’t help but smile at my very first entry.
January 7, 2015 (on the plane to Ethiopia) “My challenge to myself going into Africa is to hold everything with open hands, and wholly surrender everything to Him. Keep my eyes open to see him and my ears open to hear him. I want to be more present; not looking back or ahead. Just be right where he has me. I want my relationship with Jesus to deepen. I want to step more into my identity and walk in who he’s created and called me to be.” From a place of complete gratefulness to Jesus, without even remembering that I wrote this, these things happened. Jesus is pretty incredible, huh?
Let’s start from the beginning. “Hold everything with open hands.” Ehhhhhh SCARY! There’s something about surrender that sounds so beautiful but is so absolutely terrifying at the same time. How is it that I have an absolutely perfect father, who is literally holding all things together, who is the reason why I have life today, who works all things for good, but, I still have a hard time trusting him. With big things and small. Why do I think I know best? Well, that broke month one in Africa. Being in a situation where I could not do what we were required to do on my own, I had to rely on God. And in trusting him day in and day out to get through the day, I watched him show up time and time again. My spirit hearing small whispers of reassurance that he’s there. There’s something so countercultural for me about giving up control. But being in a place where I couldn’t be in control of anything, and realizing that staying in step with the spirit was the only way, it helped me unclench the grip I was holding so tightly over my life little by little. It was the start of something.
Next, “keep my eyes open to see him and my ears open to hear him.” HE IS EVERYWHERE AND HE’S ALWAYS SPEAKING TO US. I don’t know how to explain this except to tell you, if you ask him, and are looking for him, he’s going to show up. There were times in Africa that I literally just had to laugh at how clearly God was speaking to me. I’ve found that for me, I have to prepare myself to hear from him. Fill myself up with as much of him as I can…get familiar with him so I can recognize him. Bible reading, worship, quiet time. Even just looking at what he’s created. He made it, so obviously it reflects him! You aren’t going to take to heart what a stranger says to you. Their words don’t have any value, they don’t stick with you. It’s the people you know whose words you’re going to really take to heart. Because you know them, you know what they are like, you’re going to want to “hear” those words. Their words you will hold on to and take to heart. And god speaks to the heart, so it’s got to be turned towards him to hear from him.
“I want to be more present; not looking back or ahead. Just be right where he has me.” This is a hard one, and one that I am still working on and probably will be forever. Being present is tough! Especially when we are moving every few weeks. It can be easy to just keep looking to the next thing and dreaming about things to come. But God has something for you right here, right now, exactly where you are! I think the best thing he did to show me this was people. Some of the relationships I built in one month during my time in Africa are friendships I know I will have forever. I’m so grateful that I took advantage of being present and investing right where I was at because if I hadn’t, I would have missed out, BIG TIME. God used some of these people and experiences to change my heart in a huge and permanent way. He also used joy to keep me present. My days in Africa were some of the most joy filled days of my life 🙂 even in the midst of so much poverty, need and brokenness. The joy of The Lord is my strength, right? That is a lesson I will never forget. Even more than being present I’ve found myself wishing I could hit rewind and live some of these days over again 🙂
“I want my relationship with Jesus to deepen.” Intimacy is a funny thing. It’s something we all desire but it can be so uncomfortable to attain. In relationships with people you have to push past that awkward beginning stage to get close; I think it’s the same with Jesus….except, it’s not awkward for him at all, just us. He already knows every single thing about you….every thought, every desire, every dream, every heart ache, every tear. He’s been there for all of your joys, all of your mistakes. He lived through your most embarrassing moment with you 🙂 One morning while I was on a run, Steffany Gretzing’s song “Out of Hiding” came up on my play list (not my normal morning run music choice 🙂 but I let it play) it the words just hit me…Hard.
“Come out of hiding you’re safe here with me
There’s no need to cover what I already see
You’ve got your reasons but I hold your peace
You’ve been on lockdown and I hold the key
I loved you before you knew what was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
You are the one that I was thinking of when I rose from the grave.”
So, running down the dirt road with misty eyes at hearing these words, “there’s no need to cover what I already see” my heart opened up a little more to Jesus. See the more we give of ourselves to him, the more he can give us of him.
Last but not least. “I want to step more into my identity and walk in who he’s created and called me to be.” The last three months Jesus has romanced me pretty intensely. Revealing more of himself to me and in that he’s showed me more of who he says that I am. And that’s the place I want to live out of. Not out of my own desires or accomplishments. He’s shown me that his ways are better than mine. Not only because he’s god but because he loves me more than I can understand, and his plans for me are based out of that. So I can trust him. Whether or not I’ve wanted to admit it, I’ve held onto so many things the past 7 months. Making my own plans and maintaining my safety net and back up plans. But God’s brought me to a turning point. It’s one thing for me to say I trust him, it’s another thing for me to really live that way. So, I’m working on it. But, Jesus, being the gentlemen that he is, is walking this road with me and that’s comforting. “I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open. There’s nothing I hold on to. I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven. I give it all to you god trusting that you’ll make something beautiful out of me.”
