It has not even been a week since by Gods grace I hit American soil. Overwhelmed is an understatement. When my squad and I first landed in Miami, I had some time to sit down and breathe. Actually I might have stopped breathing for a minute after I realized that my whole life was about to change.
AGAIN
Minute by minute I saw the people that I now call family walk away from me, big hugs goodbyes and see you later , accompanied by smiles that tried to bury tears. Dumbfounded I tried to grasp what just happened.
Suddenly God threw me back into the reality of bigger is not always better. That same night cheesecake was on the menu. While I devoured the chocolate treat, my senses where trying to process reversed culture shock. I asked God to bring me back to rice and beans, eating with my hands and relying on Him for my next meal.
Watching how life passed me by the following days, while everything seemed so foreign and far away. Feelings where not something I wanted to deal with. So I pretty much avoided my Father for the first couple of days.
One night I was standing in my sisters huge kitchen, having bites of cheesy Doritos, then jumping to pita chips with dip while at the same time chowing down on some cashews.
The food was strange, the choices endless.
My belly confused.
Physically I was present yet my mind longed for simpler moments.
I couldn’t focus on one thing at a time.
The first two nights I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t handle all my emotions.
Day three I finally cried and worshipped God, thanking Him for loving me in the midst of confusion.
How patient He is, even when I really wanted to bury myself under a blanket and not talk to anyone.
Entertainment seemed strange, actually it still does. I can hardly make it through a movie without getting distracted by something else. If I wouldn’t know any better, I would diagnose myself with ADD.
There is just too much. Too much stuff, not enough of God.
Life is weird right now, but God is still in the midst of it.
And I know there is so much more
Still, He is not finished
So with God as my sustainer, I am trying to sort my upside down world, with all the chaos and all the things.
He is helping me to bring things back in order.
Or maybe He doesn’t want them in order and that is cool with me too
God used my nine year old niece, who I absolutely adore to make me be ok with emotions that are a hot mess.
It all started with a Starbucks TALL Hot Chocolate.
Notice how the word tall is in capital letters.
It is a crucial detail of the story.
Reader pay attention.
I ordered my niece a kids size hot chocolate,with whipped cream and all the gooey syrupy stuff, yet her big blue eyes started to bawl big tears of disappointment. How dare I order a nine year old a kids size!
“But I wanted a tall, the kids size is to tiny, ” she weeped through her elephant tears.
I on the other hand was dumbfounded. My thoughts were racing and I could hardly hide my sadness and even bitterness towards that statement.
Suddenly God flooded me with memories of orphan children in Haiti who lived in a dark, grey brick building, with no splash of colors or anyone to love them.
Yet God was still there.
No one to kiss them goodnight, or tell them bed time stories.
Yet God still showed up.
They sure didn’t know what hot chocolate was.
Their feet and nails where black and crusty, due to lack of proper hygiene. Their skin often dry and scaly and their clothes torn. They lived of two meals a day. Rice and beans, day in and day out.
Sprinkles, cupcakes and hot chocolate were not part of their world.
So there I was figuring out how to answer to a nine year olds request, while she had no idea that her little statement just brought me back to a different world that used to seem so familiar to me.
How my heart lingers to put into words the darkness and beauty God allowed me to experience.
How I have seen God in the saddest yet most magnificent places
I wish my memories could write Gods story so clear that people and a child could grasp just a tiny bit of what He has shown me.
Yet right now I can’t even walk into a Starbucks without having an emotional flashback.
God used the messy beauty from this story. The outcome was complete vulnerability and honesty with my sister. And big tears over hot chocolate.
I shared a glimpse of my heart that God transformed this year.
And she loved me so well.
And that love brought us closer.
Gods love created big beauty out of tiny ashes.
He is in every detail, every tear and every little bit of chaos.
My little niece gave me the best hug of my life while I was thankful for her little growing heart of gratitude that God is molding into something incredible.
God is my author. He is in control.
I trust Him in the midst of my confused life.
Nothing makes sense right now, yet He does.
When no one gets it, He still does.
When hot chocolate causes a meltdown He is still there to pull me back up.
God helps me to look at the bigger picture.
He helps me to laugh about memories and weep over lost family members.
He does give peace that surpasses all understanding.
And He works through a little girl that just wanted a TALL hot chocolate.
Love Jen
