I lifted my hands up, trying to praise and worship my Jesus, my Savior, my everything!But my voice was weak and my thoughts were tangled up in a big net full of lies. As I looked around my squad at training camp, I started thinking about how awesome they all are, how perfect, how talented, how ueber spiritual.
And then there was me! Instead of loving who God created me to be I compared myself constantly. My squad is made out of angel voices, super creative artists, acrobats, comedians, dancers who seem to just have graduated from Juliard and just so many sweet and loving souls. Instead of rejoicing with and learning from them I often caught myself asking God where my gifts and talents are.
What an insult really! Who Am I to question God?! I am basically telling the creator of the universe and every single soul on earth that the way He created me is not enough! I am doubting His beautiful creation. I am doubting His plan and His will. And I am standing in my own self-absorbed way!!!
“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mothers womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it.”
Psalm 139:13-14
My whole life I did nothing else than compare myself to unrealistic images that do nothing else than to create self doubt and fear in me. Being sanctified by God is painful and to be completely honest, I hate feeling pain. It hurts when the Spirit pulls out the root of your junk and now you gotta clean house. But how beautiful to know that there is a Helper and Comforter who will be there in the midst of chaos.
I know I still have a long road ahead of me.There are still so many insecurities and lies, trying to convince me that Gods Love is not enough to fullfill His plan. One thing that will remain with me is knowing that following Jesus was never supposed to be easy but one day it will all be worth it. I owe Him my all and I want to give Him my all and that includes dying to myself daily, bringing the sin to the light and trusting that His ways are not our ways.
“If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me you are not worthy of being mine. If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.
Matthew 10:38-39
Love
Jen
